The Icky Topic of Suicide

Oh sure, you clicked on this post because the topic of suicide is on everybody's Top 10 List of favorite subjects to read about, right? Well, it's not the most pleasant of topics, but an important one nonetheless.

Maybe you're reading this because you know someone who you think may be struggling with suicidal thoughts. Perhaps you've been affected by the death of someone close to you, who took their own life. Maybe you're considering suicide yourself. Or maybe you're just curious about something that seems to have such a grip on people, & you wonder why.

I won't decorate this topic to make it easy on the eyes. It's ugly. It's painful. It's real. It's more common an issue than people realize. It's something that needs to be talked about & brought out into the light instead of hiding it away in a dark corner, only for it to come out & grab someone when they least expect it.

There is so much to say on this topic, but my posts tend to be long enough as it is. I don't want to strain the eyes or the patience of the reader. I can't promise this post won't be long, but I'll do my best. 

What I do want to say is that children are killing themselves with increasing frequency. This is horrible!! What are we as parents doing to fail our kids? How are we not equipping our children with the self-respect to know that nothing is worth them losing their life over? How are we becoming oblivious to the fact that our children might be the bullies who push another child or teenager to suicide? More importantly, how do we get our kids to talk to us & not shut us out when they are feeling scared, angry, sad  or hopeless? 

Parents who think THEIR child, teen or college student has it all together, might be shocked to learn that their child has a drug or alcohol problem, is having frequent unprotected sex, is cutting herself (or himself - boys cut too) or engaging in other self-destructive behaviors in order to cope with stress, peer pressure, with being bullied or harassed, or they are just trying to cope with depression & a low self-esteem.

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When their child makes the news headlines or ends up dead due to suicide, they are shocked. They never saw it coming. So to parents out there, no matter how old your child is, nobody is immune to the temptation to commit suicide. Nobody. That's why communication & unconditional love is so important. 

What about the family man who loses his business, takes a low-paying job because that's all he can find, & he commits suicide because his hours got cut & he just can't face feeling like he failed his family somehow?

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Or how about the old woman who lives alone, is barely able to take care of herself, & turns the gas on & drifts into a permanent sleep because she feels abandoned by her family & that nobody would notice anyway, if she was no longer here?

Then there's the veteran with severe PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) who finds it difficult to adjust to life outside the military, & due to the symptoms of his PTSD, he has trouble with relationships & with keeping a job & he has to fight tooth & nail to receive the help & benefits that was promised to him? When a person is affected by PTSD, it's not easy to make the rational choices to get help when it's needed. Far too many people who have served our country are fighting a battle they never signed up for, & they are losing that battle to suicide on a daily basis. 

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What about the wife & mother who loves her family & does all she can to help others, but she she has regrets over things she should have done differently in her life & feels that her mistakes make her unworthy of love somehow. Maybe unintentionally, she hurts those she loves the most, & the shame & guilt she feels is just too much to bear. Perhaps she feels her family would be better off if she was dead. Maybe she feels she would be doing her family a favor if she died. 

These are just a few examples, but there really isn't a cookie cutter type of reason why someone might choose to take their own life. Sometimes, a person who seems to have everything in life going well for them, surprises those they know by committing suicide. Sometimes there is just no reason that makes even the smallest bit of sense as to what might drive someone to take their own life. Sometimes the whole situation just makes absolutely no sense.

Do you know what else makes no sense? The thoughtless, insensitive & hurtful words & actions of others directed at those who have considered or attempted suicide. Being judgmental, condescending, rude & hurtful toward those who are struggling, helps nobody. Suppose someone makes a Facebook post for example, as a sort of goodbye note or as an attempt to see if perhaps someone, anyone, cares enough to say an encouraging word which could make the difference in that person's life. The last thing that person needs is to read a rude comment, or to find that one of their "friends" made their own post condemning the person who's hurting for putting their struggles in a public forum for all to see. The "friend's" post is full of judgment & pretend concern & when the person struggling sees the post & comments on it, the "friend" deletes & blocks them. This sort of thing happens all the time on social media websites. People can be really cruel. That type of response to someone's pain may feel self-righteous & justifiable to the person responding in that way, but it's the type of response that could  just push a suicidal person over the edge.

There are those however, who mean well, but they pass the buck. When someone is hurting, it may take all they have just to get to church, in their effort to seek out comfort & acceptance & to know that somehow, someone at church will at least show they care, right? But far too often, someone will say "I'll pray for you". It's good to pray! There is power in prayer. But if one is in a position to do something tangible, yet offers someone in need or who is hurting, the words of "I'll be praying for you", & ONLY those words, well, that could feel like they don't care about that person because they are just offering words instead of action. I call on Christians to put your love into action, & don't just speak the words. Maybe you can't offer money or are unable to meet some other material need, but you can offer a hug & let the person know they matter. You can ask if there is something you can do to help. The person might be feeling like their life is one storm after another & they may not see any hope.

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Maybe they just need to vent & to know someone cares. And if you encounter someone in emotional pain at your church, for goodness sake, don't hand them off to someone else or refer them to the prayer team or a Sunday School class or other group of people. YOU are the one the person came to. See what YOU can do to help. If after showing the person that they do indeed matter, you feel they can best be helped by talking to someone else, then walk them over to that person. Don't tell them to go talk to someone else. When someone is feeling suicidal, the last thing they may be looking for is a support group. They are usually beyond that. They often don't care anymore. They aren't necessarily trying to get plugged in with those who can help them. If a suicidal person enters a church, they are often just taking what little emotional strength they have to get there & to see if somehow, SOMEONE will show them that God truly cares & loves them & that they DO matter. Passing the person onto someone else or encouraging them to get plugged in to a group is okay after the crisis is over, but meet the person where they are, at that moment!! HELP THAT PERSON!! I say this because churches are where hurting people often turn to, & Christians are also who hurting people often blame for not being there when the person needs them the most. I am taking extra space on this paragraph to speak to my fellow Christians because we as a body of believers, fall short in this area. We do. This needs to change!!

I know that when someone is contemplating suicide, it's difficult to know what to say to the person. It can be very awkward to have a conversation with someone who has stated that they want to die. Some people may do nothing, because if they do nothing, maybe the situation will just go away or fix itself on its own. They may be afraid that if they say something, it will be the wrong thing to say & they will make the situation worse. Others may call 911 & report the person making the threats of suicide. Still others may sit in judgment & say very hurtful & cruel things, thinking somehow, that they are helping. Telling someone in a condescending, judgmental tone, that "you need professional help" is not at all helpful. Obviously, someone needs help if they are considering suicide. But to be judged & spoken to in such a manner only makes the problem worse. 

What people who are considering suicide need the most, is understanding & compassion. They need acceptance of who they are as a person & they need to know that they matter. They need to feel that someone out there believes in them & that there is hope for whatever situation they are facing. They need to hear someone say that all will be okay & know that the person means it.

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There is so much more I could say. I could write volumes. Those who know me are not at all surprised that they have to keep on scrolling down the page of this post. This is a subject that I feel very strongly about. Please don't judge someone who may be considering suicide. They are not necessarily mentally ill. I mean, they are ill at that moment of course, because it's certainly not healthy for someone to wish to die & then think of ways to make it happen. But people who attempt or consider suicide are people like you & me. They are parents, children, celebrities, professional athletes. They are rich, they are poor. They are someone others aspire to be like, they are people others despise. They are religious, they don't believe in God. They come from every walk of life. They might be someone who has always struggled with health or mental issues or depression, or they might be someone that others consider to be very emotionally strong & tough. 

We ALL have our moments when we are tested & challenged - when we may feel utterly alone or hopeless. Each individual handles each moment of testing differently. A lot of factors can come into play: a person's health, support system, life stresses, beliefs, values, what was going on in that person's life on that particular day, the actions of others & so on. 

Obviously someone considering suicide needs help. Don't tell them that. Show them. BE that help. Encourage that person to seek professional help, but do so in a way that is supportive & compassionate, not judgmental & mean. Be angry if you must, that the person is even considering such a thing, but make sure you don't cross the line between anger that can shake a person into a necessary reality check or anger that pushes them over the edge. Above all, be compassionate & understanding. Be there for that person. Take threats seriously, even if you may think the person is just trying to gain attention. Call the police if necessary. If they are only trying to gain attention, they will think twice before doing that again. If on the other hand, they are serious about their threat, then calling the police may just save their life. Or contact your local suicide hotline if you are considering suicide or if you know someone who is. The person on the other end of the line can help. 

Here's a website to go to, along with the phone number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org  
  1-800-273-TALK (8255)

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And to the person out there who may be considering suicide, you are not alone. Many others have felt as you do. Suicide might seem like the only logical solution to whatever you are going through, but it is a permanent solution with no do-overs. There is no buyer's remorse. You can't change your mind after it's done, & there is no way to undo death. There are people who care about you even if you may not think so. All may seem hopeless right now, but things WILL in fact get better if you are able to stay the course. Winter can be harsh. So can the heat of summer. But like all seasons, this time will pass, & spring will return. 

Think how you would feel if someone you loved & cared about took their own life. Picture someone you care about doing just that. What would you do? How would you feel? I know it's hard, but consider that you would be inflicting the terrible pain of grief on someone who loves you....on those who care. Maybe you're not in a place emotionally where you are able to care about the pain of others over losing you to suicide. I understand that. So try to take it one day at a time, & just try to get through today. Talk to someone, whether it's a suicide hotline, friend, family member, clergy person or a professional therapist or doctor. Just get through today & don't worry about tomorrow until tomorrow comes. Before you know it, many tomorrows will become yesterdays & you will be feeling more hopeful about your future. Think I don't know what I'm talking about because I just don't understand? Think again. I've been there. I've worn your shoes & walked a few miles in them. I don't know you, but I love you. You matter. You deserve to be here. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live. Things WILL get better. 

Photo: Cari Kissel 

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