ABUSERS, TAKE NOTE!!!

Today, I'm writing about something that is heavy on my heart & mind. It concerns the topic of abuse.  This topic is such a huge one, that there are so many things that could be said. Volumes & volumes of books dedicated to the subject of abuse, have been written. For now, I will stick to the subject of abuse in a romantic relationship, although what I say could apply to platonic & friendship relationships as well.

Every single thing I write about in my blog posts, is either inspired by something which has happened in my own life, or in the lives of someone close to me, or has triggered a reaction in me that affects how I will handle certain situations that come along. This post was inspired by a dear friend of mine, who is being subjected to abuse on an almost daily basis. Of course I am not mentioning real names, as I share her story & that of so many others like her. Though I'm talking about my friend, her experiences could be similar to yours or to those of someone you know.

I'm going to call my friend & her abuser Amber & John. Bear in mind that I have no friends with those names. I just don't want to keep calling them "my friend & her abuser". John met Amber, the two of them dated, & then John popped the question. Presenting Amber with a gorgeous engagement ring, the two of them moved into a home together, shortly after John bought the place. It was to be their home together, & they were to be a family. From the first day that John moved into that home, Amber was living with him. Though Amber was not on the deed to the home, it was her home too, as she established a residence there from the very beginning, when she & John moved into that home for the first time, together & she put a lot of sweat & hard work into setting up the home from the get-go. This is noteworthy, because John keeps threatening to throw her out of the home if Amber stands up to his abuse.

I'll spare the details of their relationship that really don't matter. Instead, I'll just highlight some things that have been characteristic of the type of relationship that they have. Amber is a very good, kind-hearted woman, with a desire to make those in her life feel special. She loves to spend time in the company of others, & she loves to entertain & bring a smile to people's faces. She is always telling me that she is there for me, if I ever need anything. That's the kind of friend she is. When John's father was dying in the hospital, there was Amber, by his bedside, keeping him company for hours on end, & trying to bring a little cheer into his drab & dreary hospital room. Amber has her faults however. She has been hurt by a lot of people through the years, & she carries with her a certain degree of bitterness & mistrust, because she has been hurt once too many times. Her communication style is also often misunderstood, because she cuts to the chase & doesn't always think about how what she's saying, comes across to others. That said, she is still a very warm, caring & engaging person, who always has a smile on her face - except when she is around John.

John is a very hard-working man, who works variable shifts at his job. Due to the nature of his variable work shifts, he is often quite tired, yet he still plugs away & takes every shift he can, so that he can be a good provider. He is responsible with his bills, & he & Amber share common interests & work ethics. John wants to give Amber the moon, & he would if he could. He enjoys the good life & wants to give it to the woman he hopes will spend her life with him. He has a desire to give, & he tries to, as much as he can. He also has a way with animals, although he has no pets. At the core of who he is, John really is a good person. He just possesses a terrible temper, & a controlling & verbally/emotionally abusive disposition.

Everything must be his way or not at all, unless of course he allows Amber to make a decision about something. John has been known to explode in a rage, shopping at the store with Amber, at work, on the phone, in his vehicle as he's driving with Amber, & at other places. John can be very friendly, very engaging, & he has a nice smile. He can also flip the switch at a moment's notice & turn into a beast. When this happens, it is "Amber's fault", for she "provoked" him by something she said to him or by something she did. 

Granted, Amber does need to learn to watch how she speaks, because she "goes down Memory Lane" with him, bringing up the past, or making snide, sarcastic & cutting remarks. She often doesn't realize how she comes across, but sometimes she will just ask a simple question & will encounter the raging maniac who screams at her & calls her names. Amber didn't always communicate with sarcasm & bitterness. This style of communication is the result of the sudden & inexplicable change in John's behavior, directed at her, which increased with the passage of time. It is her defense mechanism because she is a strong woman who does not like to be mistreated, & she will stand up for herself. When I say that John is screaming, I mean that at times he yells very loudly, but at other times, he literally screams to the point of straining his vocal chords & spitting in her face. This is a frequent occurrence, & has been at times, a daily one.

Amber & John have had many resources at their disposal to help them work out their issues. They have been counseled by professional counselors, friends, pastors & family members. Not only are things not improving, but they are getting worse. John blames Amber for all the problems, even though he is the one with the reputation for losing his temper. When others have had issues with John's temper, it is of course, the other person's fault - not John's. This is typical behavior among those who abuse others. Abusers cannot accept responsibility for their own behavior. I have encouraged my friend to leave John, but she kept hoping he would change. She is trying to figure out how she can leave & where she can go, or if there is any hope at all that John will change. It is to the point now, where I worry for her safety, because his behavior is so out of control that it's only a matter of time before he snaps, & takes it to a physical level of abuse.

By talking about John & Amber, it is my hope that others may see patterns of behavior, recognize those patterns, & either get help & get away from the abuser, or if it is the abuser who recognizes him/herself, then I hope they will seek counseling for their behavior. Abuse is a terrible thing, & it needs to stop. It destroys lives, & if left unchecked, can sometimes end lives. Following, are patterns of abuse that I have witnessed in my friend's relationship with her fiance. Having been in a highly emotionally abusive & controlling relationship in my own past, I am acutely aware of the warning signs of abuse, & am fiercely protective of those whom I think may be victims of such abuse:

• Intense need for control, including control over how money is spent; control over what is bought at the store; control over how appliances & electronic devices are used in the home; control over decision-making. Exhibits fits of rage when there is a threat to that person's ability to have control.

• Yelling, screaming, shouting, in order to intimidate, control, & dominate.

• Extreme self-centeredness - the abuser thinks of his/her own needs, wants, desires, feelings above all else. Their victim's needs, wants, desires or feelings are not that important, if at all, unless there is a benefit to the abuser for taking those things into consideration. 

• Yo-yo behavior pattern/Jekyll & Hyde personality where the abuser can be very kind & thoughtful, & then turn on a dime & revert to being hostile & abusive. Often, the victim can establish a pattern, & predict when the hostile behavior will return, because after a period of peace & good treatment on the part of the abuser, usually in order to get what he or she wants from the victim, then the abuser will revert back to being abusive. This is often done to exert control. For example, an abuser might be very nice, generous, thoughtful & kind, & the victim will let their guard down, thinking the abuser has turned over a new leaf. Then just when the victim begins to trust again, the abuser reverts back to abusive behaviors. This yo-yo type of behavior often makes it difficult for a victim to leave, because the victim may want to give the abuser & the relationship the benefit of the doubt, especially during times of peace, but then when the abuse begins again, they search out solutions to escape the abuse. The abuser knows this, & reverts back to being kind again, in order to keep the victim trapped in the cycle of the abusive behavior & maintain control over that person.

• Abuser blatantly refuses to accept responsibility for their behavior & always blame it on someone else. Often times, the abuser will blame the victim, saying "it's a woman like you who makes me act this way" or they will blame their employer when they lost their job, or blame their friend when the friendship ended. It is always someone else's fault, & the abuser is not to blame. This doesn't mean that an abuser won't recognize their faults & admit to them, or perhaps even say they are sorry. It means though, that despite admitting their faults, & saying they are sorry for something they did, they are not truly repentant & do not sincerely want to change their behavior. They do not sincerely want to take responsibility for their actions, by accepting that the consequences of their behavior are entirely their own fault. I told John in multiple different ways, how it was his behavior toward Amber that was causing her to act negatively toward him. He refused to accept this, even though multiple people have also told him this. He will not see that he alone is to blame for his behavior, & he is therefore dangerous, because he justifies his abusive behavior by blaming it on Amber & anyone else he explodes in anger toward. As long as he cannot see that he is to blame for his behavior, he will continue to justify repeating it. That is what makes the situation potentially dangerous, because abusive behavior can & often does escalate to a point of violence.

• Making threats, including threats to displace victim from the home, making threats to personal property, to victim's friends, family etc. This is a no-no. Just don't do it. Doing so will leave the victim in the position of feeling fearful, or of feeling the need to threaten back, out of self-preservation - or both. This is never a good thing & will never end well. Don't do it.

The above examples are of course not all-inclusive of typical abusive behaviors. They just highlight the ones I have personally witnessed on a frequent basis. I am attempting to help my friend, & she is aware of the options available to her. She has hope that things will improve in her life, one way or the other, because she is a strong woman & she is adamant in her belief that she does not deserve to live this way. A part of why I wrote this post is as documentation, in case John hurts Amber in a physical way or causes undue hardship toward her, above & beyond what he has already done. I have given enough examples of what actually transpires between John & Amber, as well as mentioned some of their known personality traits. I believe therefore, that this post would be able to be considered to be documentation, to support Amber, should she ever need it.  

At the same time, I also wrote this post because I want to encourage anyone, whether male or female, who is encountering this type of emotional/verbal or any other type of abuse, to first of all, don't believe the lies told to you by the abuser. Second, I want to encourage any victims out there to surround yourself with people who will be in your corner & stand by you. Even if you only know one person who will come to your defense, find that person & seek their help. If you feel you have no options, then call your local domestic violence or domestic abuse hotline & tell them what you are experiencing. They will give you resources & do what they can to help you.

To any of you out there who may recognize yourself in these examples of abuse, & you are the one committing the abuse, STOP IT RIGHT NOW!!!!!! You do not have the right to control or abuse any person. You do not have the right to make any person feel less than, small, belittled, helpless, hopeless, trapped, hurt, afraid, terrorized or like they are not a worthwhile person. Everyone deserves to be treated with simple respect. EVERYONE. Even if the person you are abusing is abusive right back to you, or if they stand up to you in a way that you don't like, remember this: YOU STARTED IT. THIS IS YOUR FAULT. YOU BROUGHT THIS UPON YOURSELF BY THE ABUSIVE WAY YOU TREATED YOUR VICTIM. IF YOU WANT THINGS TO CHANGE, START BY CHANGING YOURSELF, & THEN MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, THE OTHER PERSON WILL CHANGE TOO. UNTIL THEN, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO EXPECT ANY CHANGE FROM THE PERSON YOU TERRORIZED, UNTIL THEY CAN SEE A CONSISTENT & SINCERE DESIRE TO CHANGE FROM YOU. That is all.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.For we know in part & we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes,what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." (1 Corinthians 13: 4-13)