Reflections On Marriage

People say that marriage takes a lot of work. It's true. Having a lasting & loving marriage does take work...but that work doesn't have to be a drudgery. In fact, if good habits are a part of daily life, then it might not feel like work at all. 

Photo: all-free-download.com

I've been married before. He was my first true love & I thought he would be my last. I think I was in love with the idea of being in love. It was a happy marriage at first, but began to unravel slowly with the passage of time, & ended in divorce after 20 years.

I never intended to marry again, but then I met my husband Matt. Before I dated him, I took a personal inventory & came to the conclusion that although I felt justified in my desire to divorce, I contributed plenty to the destruction of my marriage. 

Marriage really is a 50-50 thing. By that, I don't mean that both individuals are equally at fault if things go wrong. Sometimes one spouse brings a lot more pain to the table than the other one does.  

What I mean rather, is that regardless of who did what, both people are equally responsible to put forth their best effort into making their marriage work. If one person gives 70% effort & the other person gives only 30%, then neither person is doing all they can do for their marriage.   

Photo: all-free-download.com

In my marriage now, I have tried not to repeat the same mistakes I made the first time around. I still fall into old habits now & then, but thankfully, my husband loves me enough to accept me & be patient with me anyway. My marriage isn't perfect. Whose is? Marriage takes work & commitment, & a desire to not give up, whether or not the feelings of being "in love" come or go.

When I married the first time, my former father-in-law married us. I'll never forget his words, which have guided me to this day:

"Each day, you must decide that you want to be married".

Think about that sentence. Really think about it. I thought about this sentence long & hard before I filed for divorce. During the ups & downs in my marriage now, I have been so used to making this daily decision to be married, that I no longer have to. It's as natural as breathing.

Some very simple things I've learned, which I think can benefit others as well, because they stem from common sense, are:

1) Decide to be married on a daily basis.
2) Treat your spouse the way you would want to be treated - don't be selfish. Taking care of oneself is one thing. Being selfish is another.
3) Don't hold a grudge, & don't keep bringing up past hurts.
4) Be patient & considerate.
5) Be kind & understanding.
6) Forgive one another.
7) If you feel you are not being understood, then find a way to BE understood.... but be nice in your attempts.
8) Be a good communicator....snide comments, being rude or passive-aggressive, game-playing, being bossy or controlling, losing your temper, shouting, manipulating, putting the other person down or acting superior to them etc., are all sure ways to hurt your marriage & bring yourself misery & stress. Be kind & thoughtful in your communication.
9) Never give up.
10) Take one day at a time.... Let each day begin with a clean slate.
11) Women: don't nag, & don't scold or correct your husband....Don't emasculate him.
12) Men: Listen to your wife.... Make her feel safe, emotionally & physically.... Show her that her needs & feelings matter.
13) Don't insist on being right. It's okay to allow the other person to be right, even if you feel they are not. You can be right if you insist on being right...if you're okay with being alone.
14) Don't be bossy or controlling. Your spouse is not your child. Remember that.
15) Don't be mean. Your spouse is the one person you should be able to count on to have your back. Don't stab them in theirs.
16) Don't take life so seriously. Laugh a little. Be silly now & then.

Okay, so this is a lengthy list, but if you remember nothing at all from this post, remember this:

Nobody can read minds. People respond better to kind & considerate communication than to nasty, hurtful words or actions. Don't hold grudges & don't withhold apologies when an apology is due. Treat one another with mutual love & respect. Remember that being "in love" is just a feeling of intense attraction. It comes & goes & is not an indicator of lasting love. Deciding that the other person is worth loving & then setting about to love that person......that's what true love is. See? It's really not all that complicated after all!!



 **Have an opinion about this post? I would truly appreciate your feedback in the comment section below, or in the confidential feedback form on this page.**

What is Love, Really?

Ah, the age-old question: What is love??? Is love real? Is it available to everyone?

Of course it's real!! And yes, everyone can find & experience it.

Love isn't just romantic, you know. It's not just a feeling.....it's a "doing". 

Photo: all-free-download.com

Whether you apply the concept of love to a romantic relationship, or to a family member or friend, or whether you show love to your fellow man.... love is something that when applied the right way, just makes everything better.

A person doesn't have to believe in the words of the Bible if they don't want to. I'm not asking anyone to believe in God, although I would be happy to think that those reading this know that God loves them. But here's the thing: no matter what a person's beliefs are, one can't deny the wisdom in the following passage of the Bible. This passage is often referred to as "The Love Chapter", & it can be found in 1 Corinthians 13. It's a small chapter, with only 13 verses, but verses 4-7 are especially important:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered.

It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Now of course I could expound on the above Bible verses, but what more needs to be said? It already says it all. Now if we could all treat our fellow man, our friends & loved ones with this type of love, the world would indeed be a better place!

 **Have an opinion about this post? I would truly appreciate your feedback in the comment section below, or in the confidential feedback form on this page.**

Having a Dog With Cancer

Animals are awesome. They have the amazing ability to feel discomfort, yet still act as if nothing is wrong. I mean, there are dogs hobbling around on 3 legs, acting as if it's a perfectly normal thing. People on the other hand, whine & fuss, complain & evoke sympathy, when we are in pain, sick with the flu, or just don't "feel right". When we're not feeling well, most people know it.....unless we have the physical stamina of an animal, & can hide our discomfort well.

Show Me While I'm Living

Show me while I'm living,

That you really care.

Don't show me at my funeral,

When I'm not really there.

ABUSERS, TAKE NOTE!!!

Today, I'm writing about something that is heavy on my heart & mind. It concerns the topic of abuse.  This topic is such a huge one, that there are so many things that could be said. Volumes & volumes of books dedicated to the subject of abuse, have been written. For now, I will stick to the subject of abuse in a romantic relationship, although what I say could apply to platonic & friendship relationships as well.

Boundaries

Growing up as a shy girl, I was too afraid to stand up for myself because I lacked the courage, for one thing, & for another, I didn't want to hurt someones feelings. As I got older, I began to realize that while I'm worrying about not wanting to hurt someones feelings, I'm forgetting that the person I need to stand up to, is not worrying about hurting mine. So begins my epiphany.....

What Is Family, Anyway?

This is a subject that is close to my heart. I want to share how my views on what constitutes "family", has changed in recent years, because I am beginning to realize that the older I get, the more my perspectives on so many things I thought were set in stone, have actually changed.

Greater Is He!

I look above to the Lord Most High
And thank Him for each day
That I have been so blessed with life
And with the love He gave.

I thank Him for the fact that I 
Can see & I can hear;
And I can feel His presence
Whenever He is near.

Her Halo's Too Small

Her wings are too small for her shoulders.
She can't get her feet off the ground.
Her halo's too small for her head - 
It's not big enough to fit 'round!

Ahh the Romance....Oops, Where Did it Go?

This post is a no-brainer, but something that people struggle with all the time. While I have a Bachelor of Arts degree, it is in Business Administration, not in any area related to psychology, counseling, sociology, or any other field that would qualify me to dispense advice & give counsel to people. Lacking such credentials, I am often surprised when people come to me for relationship advice. I'm speaking of couples who are having repetitive issues that they can't seem to work out on their own - not those with a need to vent, who are seeking the advice of a friend.

My Pepsy

Me, Pepsy (in front), & my sister's sweet dog Frosty. 
I've obscured my friend's image behind me, out of 
respect for her privacy.  

I'll never forget my birthday in 1972. I was eleven years old. My parents had surprised me with a tiny, brownish-black, squirming bundle of cute. I remember the delight I had when that little puppy entered my world. I loved drinking soda back then...still do. Although I am a Coke drinker now, the cola brand that graced our refrigerator shelves when I was growing up, was Pepsi. Not being quite sure what to name my new puppy, somehow, the color of her fluffy fur reminded me of the color of the Pepsi in our fridge. Of course I didn't want to spell my puppy's name the same way that the cola was spelled, so her name became Pepsy instead.  

Calling All Christians: On Hypocrisy

Google the words "why do Christians always", & you will be met with links to websites where people are asking "why are Christians always so judgmental?", or "why do Christians always try to convert atheists?", or "why do Christians always try to shove their beliefs down my throat?". The list goes on. I would venture to guess that the title of this post will grab the attention of not just Christians, but of non-Christians alike. This may be due to the simple fact that there is a high likelihood that someone out there may have been hurt to the point of bitterness, by someone claiming to be a follower of Jesus Christ. The title of this post serves to remind all Christians, myself included, that as followers of Christ, we should conduct ourselves in such a way as to bring honor to Jesus, not turn people away from Him. It also is intended to pique the curiosity of non-Christians, who may be wondering just what admonishment this Christian has for her fellow believers.