Boundaries

Growing up as a shy girl, I was too afraid to stand up for myself because I lacked the courage, for one thing, & for another, I didn't want to hurt someones feelings. As I got older, I began to realize that while I'm worrying about not wanting to hurt someones feelings, I'm forgetting that the person I need to stand up to, is not worrying about hurting mine. So begins my epiphany.....

From giving away my lunch money in school because I didn't want to hurt a kid's feelings, even though they were taking advantage of me......to remaining in an emotionally & verbally abusive first marriage because I took my wedding vows seriously & felt I was betraying my vows to leave....to being taken advantage of by people wanting favors of me.....& so much more, I have had many opportunities in my life to experience what it means to have no boundaries with people. As I've grown older, I've also learned that having no boundaries does not make one free - it makes one trapped. Having no boundaries puts a person in bondage.

There's a reason why parents give their children rules that they must follow. If a mother tells her child not to play in the street, she is not stifling her child's fun. She is protecting him from being hit by a car. When people enter a relationship with each other, they don't establish boundaries for what they expect out of that relationship because they want to limit the other person's freedom. They establish boundaries with each other because they want to protect their relationship & help it to grow.

Boundaries therefore, are a good thing. Sometimes however, it's hard for us to establish healthy boundaries with people. We may lack the self-confidence to stand up for ourselves. We may feel intimidated by the other person, or worry that they won't handle our boundaries very well & make life hard for us or someone else. Or it might just be really difficult to establish a boundary because we are so nice to people that we don't want to hurt someones feelings & see them upset. Whatever the case may be though, it's important to learn to establish boundaries with people if we ever hope to have healthy relationships with the people we interact with on a daily basis. Boundaries are not just necessary for romantic relationships. Parents & children need boundaries, whether the children are small or grown. Siblings & extended family members, employers & employees, friends, neighbors, & even the solicitor who comes to our door - all need healthy boundaries, in order to be able to get along with one another.

In my first marriage, neither one of us had healthy boundaries between us, & our marriage ended in disaster, after 20 years. Then there was the person who only contacted me when she wanted a favor from me. I began to feel taken advantage of. That is not a happy way to feel. And how about my extended family member who had a toxic way of interacting with me, & the relationship was causing me tremendous stress? These are just some examples of instances in my life where I had failed to establish healthy boundaries, & had to endure tremendous stress until I could learn to draw that line in the sand.

In the first example, I finally established a boundary in my marriage, & it became very apparent that our relationship was clearly out of any sort of healthy bounds. My new boundary meant that I would be beginning a new life without that person in it. 

With regard to the person who only contacted me when she wanted something from me, the situation was causing me so much stress, that I finally told her how I felt. Her feelings were very hurt, & she broke off contact with me. While I did feel bad that she felt hurt, I also realized that those who take advantage of others, don't like to be confronted with what they are doing. That knowledge helped ease the guilt I felt for hurting her feelings. She had clearly not thought about mine. I finally felt free from the stress that this person was adding to my life, when I established a boundary & let her know what was & was not acceptable to me. 

As for my extended family member, there was a pattern of hurtful behaviors directed toward me, that I couldn't tolerate anymore. I had finally realized that although I will always love that person, I am not required to have that individual as a part of my life....and that's okay. That person is not interested in a relationship with me either, & that is also okay, because they have the right to establish that boundary as well.

Anyway, I just want to encourage anyone out there, who might be having a hard time with certain people who cause you continued drama or stress, or who bring you pain on a frequent basis. I want to let you know that it's okay to set boundaries with people. I think the hardest part about boundaries is if someone is a close friend or family member. Let's say a mother says really cruel things to her grown son & daughter-in-law all the time, yet expects them to be at her beck-&-call. That is not a healthy relationship. It's okay to let the mother know that while you love her, you aren't going to spend time with her when she is treating you that way. Some kids have had to distance themselves from their parent(s) or even end the relationship altogether....while some parents have had to distance or end things with their kids. Same goes with siblings or other relatives. 

What do you do when it's a best friend who begins to sap the energy from you on a frequent basis? I'm not saying it's easy to draw a line in the sand & tell the other person what you will & will not accept. Heck, you don't even have to tell that person. You can just simply stop being available to the one who is hurting you. To define a boundary, it can be as simple as telling a person that you didn't like what they did, or you can ignore the unpleasant things a person does & stop responding to them when they want a reaction, & then go ahead & respond warmly when they do something positive. It isn't easy to define boundaries with people, but let me just say as someone who has finally learned that it's okay to do so, that when you establish boundaries with others of what you will & will not accept from them, you will find a great release of stress & pressure, & you will feel a bit more free. Freedom & stress relief is a good thing, is it not? Who wouldn't want that?