What Is Family, Anyway?

This is a subject that is close to my heart. I want to share how my views on what constitutes "family", has changed in recent years, because I am beginning to realize that the older I get, the more my perspectives on so many things I thought were set in stone, have actually changed.

Growing up in a large family of six kids, with me being the youngest, I learned a few things early in my life, about what a family is "supposed" to be. Family meant that no matter how badly you had to go to the bathroom, you would have to wait your turn. It meant that at meal time, our father would say the Grace, & although it was often the same sentiment every time, we learned to be grateful for the blessings of the meal & for those sharing it with us. It meant that on Saturday mornings, we could sleep in until 7 or 8 AM at the latest, & that was providing my brother Randy didn't come tap us on the shoulder or head & tell us it was time to get up (Randy had Down Syndrome, & when he was awake, we all had to be awake, because it was just no fun for him to be awake all alone!). It meant that after a hearty breakfast, it was time for chores, with each of us having our assigned tasks before we could relax & enjoy the weekend. 

Family meant that none of us left the house in the morning for school or work, without that fresh squeezed orange juice served in those teeny, tiny glasses, a bowl of cereal or oatmeal, or animal-shaped pancakes (which sometimes resembled aliens instead) or French toast, along with bacon/sausage &/or eggs, fried or scrambled. It meant that we had a mother who got up bright & early every day, because she loved us all so much, & she began fixing our breakfast before we were even out of bed.

Family meant that when we broke a rule, showed disobedience or disrespect, or displayed a bad attitude, we didn't have to fear our father's spankings, because "the look" he gave was more than enough to get through to us kids that we were wrong. It meant that our parents expected the best from us, & because they did, we didn't want to let them down. It made us want to have their approval, & in seeking it, we learned self-respect as well as respect for our parents & for each other.

Family meant that when one of us kids moved to a new home, that as many of us as could make it, would pitch in & help out, even if someone had to drive several hours to be there. It meant that when one of us needed something, as many of us could help out, would. It meant family get-togethers in which the men watched whatever ball game on TV that happened to be in season at the time, & the women sat around talking. It was a way to catch up on how everyone was doing, & reconnect, because we all had our own families & our own lives as we got older, & didn't always have the chance to see & spend time with each other. It was a time when we learned that if we didn't let my father pay for the pizza, he would get mad. We therefore, learned to be stubborn sometimes, about who "got" to pay. 

Family meant that with all the quirks of each of us individual members of the family, we would love & accept each other no matter what. It meant that we could be mad at each other, but that we would have to say we're sorry, because we just couldn't not make things right when we were at odds with someone we loved. 

As I got married in my early 20's, & began a family of my own, I began to realize that Family meant those people in my immediate circle - the people I lived with & whose actions had a direct impact on my life, day in & day out, just as my actions had an impact on theirs. Those I formerly considered to be family - the siblings, nieces/nephews, cousins etc - were now "extended family", & while they were all important, they were no longer the most important people in my life. My parents have always been very important to me, but unfortunately, during this time in my early married years, I sometimes neglected to show them how important they really were to me. Memories of that time haunt me to this day. It was during those years that I learned that it's important to find that balance between the importance of immediate family & extended family. Failure to find that balance can bring hurt feelings & can leave others thinking that you don't care.

When I moved hundreds of miles to another state far from home, I learned that in-laws were important too, & that it's important to find that same balance. I also learned, a few years later, when I went through my divorce, that no matter what happens in the course of one's life, & no matter how relationships may change from time to time, when the going gets tough, true family rallies behind the family member in need, & lends their support. It was very comforting to know that during the worst time in my life (my child had been "kidnapped", & my parents & brother died during that time), I knew I could count on my family to see me through that difficult time. 

Speaking of divorce, the break-up of an immediate family unit can be a devastating thing, no matter what the cause.  That immediate family undergoes a whole different set of changes of its own, until people can settle into an acceptance of a new routine & a new life. I learned during my divorce, that one can promise to be a family forever, but that sometimes, even forever has an end, & it isn't always very pretty. Most importantly, I learned that a broken forever hurts children of that family the most.

When my immediate & extended family went through some very big adjustments, following the deaths of my father, then my brother two months later, & then my mother six months after that, my remaining siblings & I discovered that our extended family unit that my parents worked so hard through the years to build up & make strong, had broken into pieces. We all still loved each other, but three deaths of people whom we all loved dearly, within an 8-month span of time, took its toll on all of us. Our family unit shifted & evolved, into what we have today.

Today, I view family differently. I remarried after my divorce, & my son grew up & began a family of his own. My daughter is almost grown. I no longer consider any person to be "family" just because they are related to me. For me, those whom I consider to be family are those who truly care about me & who know that I truly care about them. We may not always like being around each other, & may not see eye to eye, but we will always try to at least be somewhat kind to each other (I say "somewhat kind" because depending upon the family member, there may be different interpretations on what constitutes the word "kind"). If we have wronged each other, we will try to make it right. We will not engage in toxic behavior toward one another. We will have each other's back. When we say that we care about each other, we don't just say it - we show it. 

I have some relatives that I consider to be relatives, but not necessarily family. I have some friends who are not related to me in any way, but they fit my definition of family. So to come to my conclusion at last, "family" means those people whom I deliberately choose to have in my life, for the reasons I stated above. My definition of "family" may have changed through the years, but I feel incredibly blessed to have the family that I have. Yes. I am incredibly blessed indeed!!