I am the youngest of six children. I was born in 1961, during a time when abortions were not yet legal, except I believe, in situations where the life of the mother was at stake. My siblings & I were all big babies. I was the smallest at 8 pounds, 6 ounces. My two brothers were each well over 9 pounds. In those days, birth control methods were not as effective as they are today, & pregnancy complications often resulted in the death of the mother &/or the baby. After my mother had her fourth child, her doctor told her she should not have any more babies because it would be harmful to her health.
According to my mother, the options available to her were for my father to have a vasectomy, or my mother to have a hysterectomy. My mother declined the option for a hysterectomy because it carried greater risk of complications than my father having a vasectomy. My father declined that option. He wasn't being selfish - he was being nervous. That's because the prevailing thought among many men in those days was that such a procedure had the potential to strip a man of his manhood, so to speak. So, my mother went on to have her 5th child, my brother, & he was not not only a large baby, but was born breech as well. After some complications, my mother's doctor told her that she should not have any more children. When she got pregnant with me, the doctor advised an abortion for the sake of my mother's health. I am thankful that my mother chose to carry her pregnancy with me to term, & that my father finally put his nervousness aside, & had his vasectomy after I was born.
Certainly, when a mother's life is at risk, abortion, however unpleasant the thought, is something that a woman should be shown compassion for. What if the mother didn't want an abortion, but she knew if she didn't have it, that she could die? What an agonizing decision for such a woman to have to make. The woman would deserve compassion, not judgment.
When I was pregnant with my first child, I became very sick within about 3 days after conception. I was vomiting profusely, & it caught me off guard so completely, that I couldn't prepare for it. Normally, a woman doesn't exhibit such strong morning sickness so soon after conception, but I had a severe form of morning sickness. I had the condition that England's Kate Middleton had: hyperemesis gravidarum. That condition affects only about 2% of pregnant women. It is characterized by morning sickness that is so severe, that it can require hospitalization, & some women can even die from complications of it.
In my case, my morning sickness came on so quickly & severely, that I had no defense against it. By the time I knew what hit me, I was already lying down with a wastebasket by my bed & using it often. It reached the point to where I was vomiting every 10-15 minutes, 24 hours a day, for 2-1/2 months straight. Let me repeat for emphasis: I could not keep even a single sip of water down for 2-1/2 months straight, as I was vomiting or retching (when I had nothing left in my body to vomit up) every 10-15 minutes, 24 hours a day. That's intense suffering, folks. To this day, if I get a stomach virus, I will do everything in my power to avoid throwing up, because I can't tolerate it. My doctor prescribed an anti-nausea medication for me, but it did no good, so she upped the dosage to five times the recommended amount. Still, it didn't help. I was hospitalized three times, given intravenous fluids (IV), & finally had to have a central line IV which delivered fluids & nutrition to me, via an IV line that ran through my arm & next to my heart. This was necessary because I had lost so much weight & became so dehydrated, that my veins collapsed & the nurses could not locate a vein in which to change out the IV. I was also becoming weaker by the day.
During one time before I had the central line IV inserted, the nurse tried to change out my IV. The pain at her poking me while trying to find a seemingly non-existent vein, combined with my profound & severe nausea, caused me to pass out. I remember feeling like I had to pass out, & the next thing I knew, I had a dream that I was at the entrance of Heaven (see the latter part of my blog post about my dog Pepsy, for more information about that experience, at http://helpshewontstoptalking.blogspot.com/2013/08/my-pepsy.html ). The dream ended, I woke up, & had to vomit immediately. The nurse told me that when I had passed out, my blood pressure dropped so low that I barely had a pulse. In short, I almost died. At that point, my pro-life doctor told me that if I didn't show improvement soon, I would need to have an abortion. My doctor was clearly concerned that I would die. It was then that I had the central line IV inserted.
My health did improve after my 11th week of pregnancy, & I was finally able to eat bland food & keep it down. During the course of my hospitalizations however, I had the chance to see my baby on a sonogram. The hospital ordered the sonogram to check on the condition of my baby. I had my first sonogram when I was 4-1/2 weeks pregnant. Now bear in mind that at 4-1/2 weeks of pregnancy, most women are just discovering that they are pregnant. When I had that first sonogram, I saw a little peanut-shaped human being, with paddle-shaped hands & feet, & a blinking light, the heart, beating independently of my own. I was just over a month pregnant when I saw my baby's heart beating. What I saw was not just an embryo or fetus, nor a piece of tissue or flesh. What I saw was a living & growing baby, who had a heartbeat, beating at a much faster rate than my own, indicating that this baby was a separate entity - NOT an extension of my body.
Although my doctor later advised me that I might have to have an abortion, I kept thinking of my baby's body, growing inside of mine, & I realized that although what happened to me affected my child, we were still two different human beings, & I may have had the right to decide the fate of my own body, but I did not have the right to decide the fate of my unborn child's. I told my doctor that under no circumstances, did I want an abortion, even if it meant I would die. That was me, & how I personally felt. Someone else may have felt differently in my same situation, & I don't place any judgment on someone who would feel differently than me. What I experienced was agony, & I truly suffered. I could never expect someone else to endure what I did, for the reasons I did, when I know how awful such suffering can be.
So for me, abortion meant that if I chose to take that measure in order to save my life, I would be saving my life, while taking the life of my child. I couldn't do that. Again, I don't judge anyone else however, who has had to make that choice. We are all different, & we all withstand suffering differently. That said, I have a different opinion when it comes to abortion under other circumstances....
If a woman or teenage girl is raped, or if someone commits an act of incest upon her, resulting in a pregnancy, who are any of us to suggest or insist that such a woman or teenager, who has already been victimized in a horrible way, be forced to carry her pregnancy to term? Were we there at the moment of conception? Can we possibly know how traumatic such an event was for this person? The answer is no we weren't & no we can't. I had always held the idea in my head that if I was ever raped & got pregnant as a result, I would not choose to abort my child. While that was my own conviction, I couldn't dream of imposing such a view on someone who has been victimized in that manner. In such a situation, I believe the choice should rest with the mother of that baby. Hard as it may be for those of us who are vehemently against abortion to accept, I don't believe a person should be forced to carry a pregnancy to term if she has been raped. Who are we to force a crime victim to have to endure a pregnancy & then give birth, to a baby who through no fault of its own, was conceived through violence toward the mother?
When it comes to abortion as a method of birth control, I get a little annoyed when I hear the phrase "a woman's right to choose", or when I hear about how "a woman should have the right over her own body". I strongly support every person's right to make their own choices in life, & I support every person's right to make whatever decisions are right for each person's own body. But these two phrases I've put in quotes miss the point of the whole abortion debate. For one thing, while every woman does indeed have the right to make her own choices, is it also right for her to make a choice that she knows will absolutely & undeniably directly cause the death of another human being? Just because a child has not been born yet, does not make it less worthy of protection against death than a child who was already born. As I've said in reference to my first sonogram, a baby's heart is beating at 4-1/2 weeks of pregnancy. So as the pro-life slogan also says "abortion stops a beating heart". That is a true statement. People may argue that the baby is just a fetus or a blob of tissue, & it doesn't know anything. By the time a woman usually discovers she is pregnant, not only is the baby's heart beating, but the baby is already moving on its own, whether or not the mother feels its movements.
The notion of a woman having the right over her own body is a valid one. If I want to have cosmetic surgery, that is my choice. If I want a tattoo on my back, that is also my choice (although my family would sure be a bit surprised at that one!). It is my body, & my choice. If a woman wants to end a pregnancy however, the choice to do so becomes complicated, because it is now no longer just her body that is affected here, but the body of another living human being. While some might argue that abortions performed in the 1st trimester are better than those performed when the baby is developed enough to feel pain, people forget that a baby's heart is beating at 4-1/2 weeks & already moving around on its own, in that first trimester, whether or not the mother can feel it. In short, the baby is alive, no matter when the abortion takes place.
So when I hear someone speaking of a woman's right to choose, I often wonder why they think it's okay for a woman to make a choice that will without a doubt cause the death of her child, yet if that same woman made that same choice once the child was born, it would be considered murder, & the woman would go to prison. It's still the same child - it's just that our culture doesn't recognize the child as technically being alive until it's born, or it's in the last trimester, where if it was born prematurely, it could still survive with appropriate medical care.
Finally, I want to say that yes, we women do have a choice. Most of our mothers had the same choice, although for some, abortion was not an option, due to the time period into which we were born. Still, our mothers carried each of us to term, whether it was their desire to or not, & whether or not their pregnancy was planned. Every single person who believes that a woman has the right to choose whether or not to abort her baby, is alive today because their own mother did not have an abortion. Sounds judgy, but think about it. If a person alive today could go back in time to when their own mother was pregnant, & could watch events unfold as a spectator, what would happen if the mother chose instead to have an abortion? Would the person the mother was pregnant with, upon seeing their mother faced with this choice, not want to yell out the way that Ebeneezer Scrooge did when faced with his own mortality, & beg their mother for that chance at life? The fact remains, that every single person alive today, is alive because their mother exercised her choice to continue with her pregnancy, whether or not she was a willing participant in the conception, & whether or not she lives(d) in a culture that permits abortion.
That said, a woman has the right to choose many things in this life. She has the right to choose the job she works at, the person she marries, the clothes she will wear, & whether or not she will have sex & thereby take that risk that with or without the use of birth control, she could indeed become pregnant. It isn't about choosing to abort or not. It's about choosing whether or not to take the chance on getting pregnant, & then facing the consequences of that choice, good or bad. If such a choice only affected the person making it, then sure, the choice should be left only up to that person. But whenever a choice affects another human being, especially in life or death matters, then that becomes a whole different story. *On a side note, in my situation, I did get better after my severe morning sickness & brush with death. I went on to give birth to a healthy baby boy, who is the best son a mother could ask for. He has served his country in the Army, been to war in Afghanistan, returned home, & is now a husband & father.*
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| My son at about a year old, sitting in my parents' dog Shadow's dog bed |
Let me just say though, that suppose my teenage daughter got pregnant. After putting the fear of God into the boy who helped impregnate her, I would be the most supportive mom ever, taking her to prenatal appointments, making sure she got the best medical care for her & her baby, & helping her with her decision of whether to keep her child or place it for adoption. She & I have already had this conversation, & she agrees with me on this. She knows that should this happen to her, she will be carrying the baby to term. She knows that if she does not want to become a mother any time soon, she will need to avoid activities which tend to lead to pregnancy. She is a teenager, & as her mother, I have the right to set that boundary for her. When she is an adult, she will set her own boundaries & live by her own choices. If she chooses to have sex, that will be her choice, not mine, & if that choice results in pregnancy, she will in fact make the choice of whether to keep her baby, give it up for adoption, or have an abortion. If she decides to keep or give her baby up for adoption, she will have my full support. If she decides to have an abortion, I will not support that decision, as it goes against what I believe, but I will love her unconditionally & will be there for her always, even if it means being a shoulder to lean on, a person to talk to, or someone whom she knows will love her no matter what choices she makes in her life. That's what mothers do.
So before I end this very long post, I just want to say that these are my feelings, based on my life, my experiences, my value system (we all have our own value systems), & my personal convictions. I realize that we are all different & we all bring different values, convictions & experiences to the table when it comes to hot-button issues such as this one. I stand for Pro-Life values in terms of abortion versus life for a child. BUT...and this is really important.....I do NOT support people standing outside the clinics of abortion providers, with signs of protest, nor do I support the judgment, harassment, or mistreatment aimed at anyone who has ever had an abortion. First of all, while there are some women who undoubtedly view abortion as a frequent use of birth control, there are many women & teenage girls who did not think that they would actually get pregnant, even if they may have considered it to be a possibility. For those women, it may have been a very scary time for them, realizing the impact that a pregnancy would have on their lives. The last thing a woman needs when she is facing a scary situation, & when she has made a decision that she could have agonized over, is the judgment & condemnation of others who are protesting outside of the clinic she is seeking assistance from. Nobody knows each person's individual story. A woman could have been date-raped. Another might be going to the clinic for birth control medication so that she does NOT get pregnant. Intimidating & judging someone who is visiting a clinic that performs abortions, does not influence that person to adopt your point of view. I don't know of anyone who would gravitate toward the viewpoint of someone who is harassing, judging & intimidating that person. I for one, am more personally drawn toward people who show compassion.
So that is my message in this very long post. Whatever one's views about abortion, calm & respectful dialogue is important. For anyone who is dealing with this issue or has faced it in the past, the last thing that will serve to help or benefit anyone, is the self-righteous judgment of others. It is my hope that by reading this post, a reader will have at least been given a different perspective to ponder, & also some food for thought.
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