Times Have Changed

How I miss my parents. If they were alive today, they would both be in their 90's. They brought about a certain comfort that always made me feel "safe", even as an adult with children of my own. They represented security, balance, family, ethics, goodness, stability & love, all rolled into one package that they created together when they married while still in their teens in the 1940's. My father was drafted during World War II & he & my mom moved from Indiana to California when the Marines sent my dad to San Diego & he was assigned to the USS Panamint & later saw battle in the Pacific Theater. Together, they raised their family: 2 sons & 4 daughters. I was the youngest.

In my father's younger years, he owned his own Texaco gas station. By the time I entered high school, I was the last remaining child living at home with my parents & my father worked for a defense contractor. My mother was a cashier for a grocery store when I was a young child & I remember being babysat by a neighbor woman named Mrs. Blaine, who sat me & my older brother Randy in the living room to play quietly while she watched soap operas. I didn't like Mrs. Blaine. I don't recall her being mean or anything. She just wasn't engaging. 

My mom on the other hand...

Woke up at the crack of dawn on weekends (so it seemed) & served her family fresh squeezed orange juice straight from our orange trees, along with funny animal shaped pancakes & bacon or sausage for breakfast. Weekday morning breakfast consisted of oatmeal or cereal & the same fresh squeezed juice, served in tiny little glasses. After cashiering for a time, my mom was a stay home mom until the recession of the 1980's made it necessary for her to take a job with a school district until she retired. She would work during the day & then come home & have dinner cooked & on the table by 5:30 each night. She was an amazing & efficient cooking machine...& she served these meals with love & a smile. She was a nurturing mom who put her heart & soul into loving her family. She had her faults, but don't we all. 

Photo: Cari Kissel

What I remember the most about my mom was her tremendous love for her kids & grandkids, her good cooking & the silly things she did, such as that time she dribbled a ball under her legs & broke her foot in the process. She got hurt being silly. At least she was having fun! She also made a funny expression sometimes, where she would cross her eyes & stick her tongue out to the side. What I would give to see that expression, hear her voice, see her cooking in her bathrobe on weekend mornings & just one more time, hear her say "it'll all work out"....I especially would love to hear those words now more than ever. She had another expression that went like this: "I'm rough & tough & hard to bluff. I chew nails & spit rust". I know she borrowed that from somewhere, but it's my motto now.

Then there was my dad. Dad was a no-nonsense guy - a true man's man. He wasn't super tall or burly, & he didn't have to puff himself up & brag about his prowess or might. His good character, honor & integrity toward others was more than enough to prove his manhood. He did however, have a look he could give someone that said he meant business...& he really meant it. When my dad was upset, you knew it. He didn't have to yell or threaten. He didn't have to spank or wash our mouths out with soap (although we received both on just a few occasions, for disrespect or disobedience...and we turned out just fine...it was not considered abuse back then...it was discipline). My dad only had to get that look in his eye & we knew we were in trouble. We feared his disappointment in us more than anything we thought he could do to us. Usually we had privileges taken away..."restriction", we called it. 

My dad was not to be messed with. I recall a time when after my sister graduated from high school, she traveled north to take what she thought was a legitimate job, but it turned out to be dubious in nature & those advertising that job, being sinister in intent. I remember riding in the car for the 2-1/2 hour trip to rescue my sister. I don't recall any words being spoken on the way there, nor on the way back. My dad just simply took care of business. We always knew we could count on my dad. If we got into a bind, he was always there. He was a tough man, but he was also a softie. Some of my fondest memories of him were when after I washed my hair as a child, my dad would brush it dry. He had that tenderness about him. He also told corny jokes. That must be a guy thing in my family because my brother Larry inherited that trait. Oh how I miss those jokes & oh how glad I am when my brother's sense of humor reminds me of my dad...

But some of the most important lessons my parents imparted to their kids were these:

*Integrity....don't cheat, don't steal, don't lie...live honorably, live honestly & do the right thing

*Independence....don't rely on others to do things you can do for yourself

*Giving...be the one to give, not the one who is always asking to receive...to give is a blessing

*Morality....the moral code of the Bible is a good one to live by because it works, plain & simple

*Compassion...help others when able to do so...don't let someone suffer if you are able to help

*Civic duty...my parents watched the news on tv & made sure we were aware of what was going on in the world around us...they taught us not to be spoonfed our beliefs, but to think for ourselves & to act on our convictions

*Golden Rule.....treat others in the manner that you would hope that they would treat you

And the strongest lesson of all....

*Respect...respect for parents was expected because they gave us life, cared for, protected us, met our needs, taught us right from wrong & they loved, encouraged & supported us. We were taught to show respect for our parents & to hold them to a higher regard of respect than anyone else, due to the simple fact that they were our parents & they earned that respect for the reasons stated above....this type of respect is a rarity these days & people wonder why families break down, relationships fall apart & why there is so much dysfunction in the world. It starts with respect for our parents, then develops as respect for ourselves & respect for one another. Yes, respect is earned, but it is also deserved. Respect can be withheld in cases of abuse or toxic behavior, but basic respect, even when one doesn't agree with one's parent, is deserved & should be given, if such a parent is an otherwise good & loving parent. Neither my siblings nor I would ever dare to utter an ounce of disrespect toward either of my parents, the way so many kids disrespect their parents today. To do so would not have been a poor reflection upon our parents, but upon ourselves.

We were taught that respect for authority figures is also expected because of the authority such people hold. We don't have to like our government officials, but we should show them basic respect because of the office they hold. I have zero respect for our current president personally, because of the character traits I have observed, but I respect the office he holds & will show respect for that office & will leave it at that. Respect for one another, by simply being courteous & polite, friendly & considerate, are things my parents taught their kids. These are things I miss about them....the way they lived their lives & the values they espoused. I miss their personalities. I miss THEM. 

I miss the time they lived in because in the days I was growing up & even into my early adult years, people were kinder....nicer...they were more considerate, respectful & less rude. Nowadays, there are those who take pleasure in being hurtful & unkind to those with whom they are angry or from whom they perceive the merest slight. There are those who enjoy inflicting great pain on others or delighting in using their words as a sharpened sword, to create maximum damage or who enjoy driving in an aggressive & potentially deadly manner near another driver, because of road rage brought about by something as petty as someone driving slower than the angry driver wants them to drive. I recall someone once saying "be good people...be good to people". If only people could not only say those words, but could mean them & live by them as well. Times have changed. How I wish that we could go back to a time when people were kinder toward one another. One can dream, right?



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