On Being the Mother of a Soldier: Part 3

My father in his Marine uniform
during WWII, with my grandmother

Mothers have been doing this since almost the beginning of time. They have been saying goodbye to their children, as they head off to war, not knowing if they'd ever return. I am no different. The methods of warfare may have changed through the centuries, but the emotions a mother (or a father) feels remain the same.  Let me just start this post by emphatically stating that there is no way that I could possibly have any clue what it is like to be a soldier or a member of any military branch for that matter.

My grandfather was in the Army during World War I. He played the bugle. My father was a radio operator on a ship in the Marines during World War II.  His job was to help decipher enemy codes. My brother was in the Army during Vietnam & was honorably discharged. My cousin served in the Navy in Vietnam & came home to people spitting on him & calling him all sorts of ugly names. My nephew was in the Marine Reserves & was called up for active duty & served in Iraq during Desert Storm. My great-nephew was an Army medic in Operation Enduring Freedom in Afghanistan. My son was a Cavalry Scout in the Army, also serving in Operation Enduring Freedom in Afghanistan. I have lived the majority of my life in my hometown of San Diego, which is a military town. It should therefore not be too surprising that I am very supportive of our military. Despite this however, I have no clue, not really, about what it's like to be one of the thousands of American troops & veterans who have served & continue to serve our country. There is no way that I could possibly understand what it means to truly serve in that capacity, from the perspective of the one who serves. The only perspective I can give, is that of a mother, whose child joined the Army & went off to war. That is what I will attempt to do with this post.

After my son Justin completed his Basic Training & Advanced Individual Training (the two training segments combined, form OSUT, or One Station Unit Training), he came home for a couple weeks of leave, before leaving for Baumholder, Germany, his first duty station. Knowing he was going to move halfway around the world soon, & that he'd likely be deployed to Afghanistan, I wanted to spend as much time as possible with him. He had just turned 21 however, & he wanted to use his newfound freedom from the rigors of many weeks of training, to have fun with friends & to do the things that many young adults like to do when they are legally old enough to do so. His time home quickly came to an end, & he boarded a plane to Germany. That was a difficult day for all of us, especially my daughter, who was nine years younger than he was, & had always loved him & looked up to him. Knowing however, that he was in Europe, where he would have the chance to see places I have never been able to take him to, made it a lot easier to handle.

I remember when he first arrived at Baumholder, & he called to tell me how he was doing. The stark difference between the "greeting" he received at Fort Knox for his OSUT  & the greeting he was given upon his arrival at Baumholder, was huge. From the moment he stepped off the bus at Fort Knox, he was yelled at & basically shocked into the reality of military life. Basic Training isn't designed to give a new recruit warm fuzzy feelings & teddy bear love. It's intended to transform a civilian into a highly qualified & capable soldier. Upon his arrival at Baumholder however, he was greeted with a warm "Welcome to Baumholder", instead of the usual yelling from drill sergeants that he was accustomed to. 

Justin made many friends, & they began to do lots of fun things together, including taking frequent excursions to various places in Germany & other nearby European countries. For the cost of a cab or train fare, & money for food, he was able to snowboard in the Swiss Alps, view France's Eiffel Tower from the top, visit Amsterdam in the Netherlands, as well as visit Spain. Not too shabby for a kid who grew up never having the chance to see scenic places in the United States. I will always treasure the many, many photos that he took of his time in Germany, especially because the smile on his face in those photos told me that he was truly having a wonderful time. What mother wouldn't want that for her child? Before anyone says that he paid for a European vacation with U.S. taxpayer dollars, let me give the reminder that our troops do not get paid a high wage. Unlike most civilian jobs, even when they work a "9 to 5" type of schedule, they still have to be available at a moment's notice, 24/7, to do whatever it is they are called upon by their country to do, including risking their very lives if necessary. Like all Americans, he earned his pay, & his vacation was paid for with his own earned money. Additionally, our continued freedoms & safety have been paid for by the hard-working men & women in the military, law enforcement agencies, & the U.S. Border Patrol. Before we begrudge anyone their right to benefits such as vacations, home loans, a college degree & other benefits, we should remember where our continued freedoms & safety come from. 

True to my fears though, after having heard that Baumholder had a 90% deployment rate for those who were sent there, Justin's unit was called up to Afghanistan. After several weeks of training, Justin came home on pre-deployment leave. This time, his time spent with friends was even harder on us, his family, because we knew the danger he would be in once deployed. We understood however, his need to have one last time for fun before going off to war & we wanted that for him. When it was time for him to return to Germany before deployment, he graciously came in uniform to church with us shortly before he had to be at the airport for his flight back to Germany. Our pastor called him up to the front of the church, in order to recognize him & draw attention to all our troops & their need for prayer, & then he asked the congregation to pray for him. That was a touching experience, yet a difficult day. 

Hugging Justin goodbye at airport as he left for
Germany, right before deployment to Afghanistan.
I was crying as I was telling him that he'd better come back

We hugged goodbye at the airport, & it was one of the most awful moments of my life, hugging my son for what could very well have been the last time ever. It's not an easy thing, sending your child off on an airplane, knowing full well that he was going to war, & might not come home alive. I have friends who have experienced that very thing, & their sons never made it home alive. I can't express the anguish that was in my heart that day. My fellow military moms understand though, & I have made friends with many of them. I owe my sanity to God's grace & the friendship of these wonderful women! When I got back home from the airport, I saw a message that Justin had scrawled on the bathtub wall with a bathtub crayon. It read: 

I love you guys more than you'll ever know. Thank you all so much for your time, your love, and for being who you are. I couldn't hope to ask for a better family. I'll sure miss the heck out of you, but don't worry, I'll be back. Again, I love you all with all my heart. You guys are my life.  ~ Justin

Not long after Justin arrived back in Germany, he deployed to Afghanistan. I could not rest easy until I knew that he made it safely to the war, silly as that sounds. It was the "traveling to Afghanistan" part of the deployment that worried me the most...at first. I worried that his plane would be shot down or that his vehicle would be blown up by an IED (improvised explosive device) as he was in transit to his post.

Smiling because even in the Middle East,
McDonald's french fries are delicious!
(certain details obscured for security reasons)

Once I got that phone call from him that he was in Afghanistan, I resigned myself to the fact that he was there, & that there was not a single thing I could do about it. I reminded myself that now that he was at his post, he was under the protection of the military of the mightiest nation on earth. Everywhere he went, there were precautions in place, & the soldiers had to have each others' backs. That gave me a small measure of comfort. When I say "small measure", that's an understatement. It barely gave me any comfort at all, but I clung to every little piece of comfort I could, because I was trying to cope with the worry I had for my son, & had to take what I could get.

Another thing that gave me comfort, was the knowledge that for every day he was there, it was one day less he would have to be there. He was there a year, & during that year, he experienced combat situations, buddies being wounded, he witnessed some horrific things such as the decapitated head of a suicide bomber laying on the ground staring up at him as he was driving by, & he was on the scene of a different insurgent's attack after a bunch of civilians were killed. The details of these grisly scenes, he recounted matter-of-factly, but I knew that despite his coolness, they were upsetting to him at the time. Probably what upset him more than anything while over there, was the time when his buddies were injured. Thankfully, they made it home safely, & one has recovered from his injuries, while the other is still recovering, but is otherwise doing well. 

So many of our troops have seen & experienced far worse than my son. My heart goes out to each of those who have served in that place where Justin told me of men squatting in their robes to urinate in the street, children begging soldiers for candy & then at other times throwing rocks at their vehicles, & of parents sending their child to attempt to throw grenades at troops, with an apparent disregard for the fact that their child could be killed in the process. That is just the tip of the iceberg. Needless to say, I don't have fond thoughts of that place, & am very glad my son is home & that our troops will be leaving that country. I wish they could all come home NOW!!! Until they do, not a day goes by that I don't say a prayer for all our troops deployed, wherever they may be.

Justin next to his vehicle
in Afghanistan

Not long after Justin arrived in Afghanistan, the Army sent me & all the family members listed for each soldier in his unit, a "Red Message". Red Messages are those that indicate that a soldier in the brigade or unit has been injured or killed. I received an email telling me to log onto the Army's family page, so that I could view a Red Message. The message I read only talked about soldiers being killed, but did not give enough detail. I knew that the families of those killed had already been notified, because the policy is to contact family members within a few hours, before the news gets out to the media & the family finds out in a more painful way. 

Because there were not enough details in the message, I freaked out with worry, that Justin was in imminent danger. I had no idea where the soldiers were who were killed, but I knew that they were part of Justin's brigade. A brigade is huge. It generally consists of 3,000 to 5,000 soldiers. Three soldiers in my son's brigade were killed. They could have been a couple hours or so away from him, or they could have been in his platoon. The Red Message didn't clarify. As a parent, when you receive a message like that, which is ambiguous, & you are new to deployments & such, it will fill you with extreme worry. I vented my worries online & asked friends for prayer. I also found out who really cared, by the reactions I received from certain people who didn't understand what it was like to worry in this way because they had never walked in my shoes. It's really difficult when harsh judgment & condemnation comes from unexpected sources. Once I found out that the soldiers who were killed were in a different location than my son, I was able to breathe easier, but my mother's heart broke for the parents & families who received that dreaded knock on the door.

Blue Star Flag/Banner

Speaking of the knock on the door, each time a vehicle drove slowly by my home, I became very nervous, until I could plainly see that there were no soldiers in the car who would be coming to my home to deliver horrible news. I remember telling Justin's Army recruiter once, that if any soldier came to my door to tell me that my son had been killed, I was going to punch them in the face. Of course I would never do that, but that was my way of telling the Sergeant that they had better make sure that nothing happened to my kid. The Sergeant told me that he has been punched before when he had to deliver such news. I hadn't realized how often this sort of thing happened, until he told me that. People whose family members are actively serving are referred to as Blue Star Families. You may notice a flag with red borders & a white background, with one or more blue stars on it. Each blue star represents each family member who serves or is deployed. 

Gold Star Flag/Banner

I have friends whose sons have been killed in Iraq. I have another friend who commits his life to bringing honor & recognition to all those who have lost their lives in service to their country. I can't even begin to fathom the depth of the pain these families have experienced, nor do I want to. When the service member has been killed, their parents & family members become Gold Star Families, & they may be displaying a Gold Star flag/banner. 

All I know is that until my son was safely back on American soil, & I knew he was no longer going to go back to that awful place, I would not have a decent night's sleep. I slept with my cell phone next to my bed at night, & I carried it with me everywhere I went. If for some reason, I ever missed a call from my son, I was heartbroken, because he was calling me from a war zone, halfway around the world, & it was 11-1/2 hours later where he was. I had no way of calling him back. I realize that today's military has the advantage over those who served in the past, in that letters would often take a couple months to reach someone deployed overseas, once upon a time. Today, many service members serving in Afghanistan & other places in that part of the world, usually will receive mail about two weeks after it has been sent. In the past, you could not have contact with a service member unless they were somehow able to make that extremely rare phone call by getting to a phone somehow. Today, while some have little access to the outside world, most of our troops can not only call home on a frequent basis, but many can even Skype with loved ones & talk to them face to face in the process. 

Justin was desperate for cigarettes,
so I sent him some in a care package.
He posted this photo from Afghanistan.

I'll never forget my son's Company Commander, for how well he communicated with families & kept us up to date. He even went so far as to record Christmas videos of members of his unit & post it on the unit's Facebook page for family members to watch. When I watched my son on the video, looking into the camera as he was getting his tray of food, & then hearing him wish us Merry Christmas, I cried. I must have replayed that video 50 times. 

Here's the thing about being the mother of a soldier or anyone serving in the military, especially if your child has gone off to war: you can expect to cry at the most random of moments. I remember hearing a song on the radio as I was driving on the freeway. I instantly began crying, almost to the point of needing to pull over, because the song "Hello" by Martin Solveig & Dragonette was playing at that time. Before Justin had left for Germany & then Afghanistan, he was standing outside the car while this song was playing. His sister & I were treated to his silliness as he began to dance a goofy dance to that song. Every time I heard that song after that, I would cry, because I would think of him being silly & happy, but now in harm's way & miserable. If my daughter was in the car with me when that song came on the radio, she would quickly look at me & try to get me to be calm, because she knew how it affected me. I therefore tried to act like it didn't even phase me, when she was in the car with me, because a child shouldn't have to comfort her parent like that. Now when that song comes on the radio, I can smile & be happy again, because it will remind me of the fact that Justin can dance & be silly to that song all he wants to now. 

Justin has since finished his time in the Army, & is now a husband & father to the best grandson on the planet (no really - it's true), & he is happy, living back home in the United States & making a good life for himself. He had the chance to re-enlist, & he thought about it very carefully & even asked for my opinion about it. I told him that such a decision has to be his alone, because there were good & bad aspects to either choice he would make, & I didn't want to be a part of any regrets he could possibly have. His former Company Commander told me that whatever Justin decided to do, he would be successful at. He told me that he was an excellent soldier & would make a successful civilian as well. He was right. I would have been proud of Justin no matter what, whether he chose to join the Army or not, & whether or not he chose to remain a soldier. He chose to finish his enlistment & become a civilian again. I am very honored to be the mother of someone who served his country in such a noble fashion. But more importantly, I am very proud & blessed to be the mother of a son who possesses integrity, honor, a giving heart, & a sense of justice that fits perfectly with the meaning of his very name. I am grateful to all who serve, & now to all who have served, including my son Justin, a United States Army veteran!!