On Being Shy

About age 9-10 Elementary School
Yarn - wasn't just for knitting!

I grew up painfully shy - so shy in fact, that I embarrassed my parents each time they introduced me to someone & I would turn my back to that person. When I was in Girl Scouts as a child, I had no friends to hang out with, because I was just too embarrassed to talk to anyone. I remember how at Girl Scout Camp, a scout leader asked me my name. I told her my name was Carol, which was my actual name (instead of Cari, that I go by now), but I said it so softly, that she thought I said Karen. I was Karen for the duration of my time at camp, & I lacked the courage to speak up & tell people otherwise. It's a terrible thing to be shy. You feel trapped in a prison of your own making, yet despite the fact that you have the power to unlock the door, you don't know how to do so.

Sometimes, being shy has its advantages. When I was in elementary school, & the boys on the playground would take the ball away from me & my friends & not give it back, something in me just clicked, & my sense of justice took over. I chased the boys down, which was easy to do because I was a very fast runner, & when I caught the boy, I pinched him as hard as I could until he gave me back my ball. It was a wrong thing for me to do, but my 10-year-old sense of fairness, demanded justice, & couldn't think of a better way to handle the situation. When the offending boy told the teacher on me, she looked me straight in the eye & asked if I pinched the boy, & my shyness & embarrassment instantly kicked in, as I shook my head no. The teacher, knowing how shy I was, & seeing me deny having done this horrible thing, believed me, & the boy went home with a nasty bruise. Looking back, I feel bad for doing that, but I'll tell you what: that boy never picked on this shy girl again!

When I was in 7th grade however, being shy was a bad thing. Students picked on the shy kids, especially the one who wore an ugly white knit poncho over her clothes to try to hide her emerging adolescent body. I wore no makeup except for powder blue eye shadow & lip gloss (that was the color in the mid-70's), & because of not being allowed to wear foundation makeup, my freckles stood out like a flashing neon sign that said "Get your chocolate chip cookies right here!" (today I embrace my freckles, but I didn't feel that way when kids teased me for them). To top that off, I was extremely skinny. Back in the 1970's, it was not fashionable to be thin, the way that people strive to be today. Girls with thicker legs & curvier thighs were considered more attractive than those like me, whose knees were so bony that my mother had to constantly sew patches on my jeans where my knees kept poking through. In P.E., I was humiliated when I put on my required shorts, & was called "toothpick legs" & "bird legs", & was told that I resembled a twig. Today, there are girls starving themselves to look like I did back then. I couldn't help my fast metabolism. 

Well, when you're the shy, ugly duckling kid in school, you are going to be picked on, even if you have a couple of friends who will stick up for you. I had this huge crush on a boy named Bob. I didn't know if Bob knew how I felt about him or not, but he loved to taunt me in Spanish class & say to me "Caro-line, I love you" over & over again. Finally, I could take it no longer, & I blurted out to the boy sitting next to him, Brian, "shut up!". Brian said, "don't tell me, tell HIM...I didn't say it, HE did", but I was too shy to say it to Bob's face. Oh & another drawback to being shy when you're a kid, is that unless people know your athletic skill, they will pick you last for their team every time. I was often picked last, but then people quickly discovered that I could actually hit that softball, & I could actually run pretty fast around those bases. Never judge a book by its cover!

When I was a freshman in high school, students were not only graded on academic performance on school & homework assignments, but also on behavior. While my academic grades were decent, my citizenship grades were not. I was very polite & respectful in class, but I was too uncomfortable raising my hand or participating in class discussions, which was a requirement if you wanted a good citizenship grade. Occasionally, a teacher would call on me so that I had no choice but to answer a question. That way, the teacher who knew how my shyness crippled me, could give me a higher citizenship grade because I was forced to participate in class discussions by simply being called on. Aside from the discomfort level I had of speaking up in class, high school wasn't too bad - UNTIL - my Dad got a job 30 miles north of where we lived, & I had to change schools just before my junior year in 1977. 

I still had not figured out how to overcome my shyness, & when I asked my parents if we could have a foreign exchange student live with us, my parents agreed, on the condition that I become more outgoing & make more friends. They didn't want a foreign student to have a bad experience because the host family didn't provide enough social activities with his or her peers. I wanted desperately to be able to meet that condition, but I couldn't. My heart broke. I suspected that my parents really weren't comfortable hosting a foreign exchange student, & didn't have the heart to tell me, so they gave me what they knew would be an impossible task for me, in order to avoid having to grant my request, since I wouldn't be able to do my part. I could be wrong, but that's how I felt at the time.  

Happy Band Days

Ah but all was not lost. While it was hard to change high schools & have to meet new people, I joined the marching band & made friends. At my school, the band members were considered to be nerds. We didn't care. We knew we were cool enough, & that's what mattered. My first experience in Band was my teacher Mr. Harvey. The moment I first saw him throw down his glasses in frustration because someone wasn't doing what he asked, I was terrified to make a mistake, for fear of him directing that frustration at me. It can be a terrifying thought to imagine getting in trouble when you are shy. Thankfully, as I quickly got to know him, I found him to be one of the most caring & devoted teachers I have ever had. I was very sad to hear, years later, that he had died. I loved Band. I wasn't the best flute player, but I had fun. I had my first real serious crush on a trumpet player in Band. I had a bad case of puppy love, & when his father's job took him away to another state, we wrote letters back & forth. When he came back to visit though, & we went out on a date, I clammed up with nothing to say. Shyness can be a bad thing when you're trying to impress the boy you think you love. That was our only date, & we both moved on with our lives. 

My experiences in high school Band though, were the beginning of my metamorphosis from shyness to self-confidence. It wasn't until I met my ex-husband in college, that I really began to come out of my shell. His extremely outgoing nature made it easy for me to relax & be myself. Our marriage lasted 19 years before I filed for divorce, & our divorce was finalized after 20 years of marriage. Things happened in our marriage which took a toll on my self-confidence, but I have since found my spunk, & learned that I am perfectly fine with who I am, even if that meant I had to be alone. After realizing that, I just so happened to meet my wonderful husband, who brings out the best in me & lets me be me. 

I am no longer the shy girl I used to be. In fact, just like my own mother used to embarrass me when she would strike up a conversation with a total stranger in the grocery store, I now embarrass my own daughter, doing the same thing. I take it a step further though, & I rock out to songs on the radio in front of my daughter's friends. Then I hear the words that are becoming a staple in my daughter's vocabulary - the words "Mom, please just stop". I've talked to other moms of teenagers, & am happy to report that I am normal, as is my teenager! Anyway, I'm not quite sure what I did to overcome my fear of talking to & being around people, but it just sort of "happened". Now, it's as if all the things I was too afraid to say, are coming out at once. I have been talking, writing & sharing at great length, ever since. Someone, please tell me how I can turn off the spigot! First, it was so tight I couldn't get any words out. Now it's so loose that the words are flooding! A little balance would be nice. I'll get there....I'm a work in progress, & I'm okay with that!

To go from being so shy I couldn't speak, to allowing my child to give me
this "makeover" a few years back, & then having the courage or insanity
(depending on your point of view),  to post it online,  is very freeing indeed! Shyness can be crippling. Those not afflicted with it show great kindness when they are understanding toward those who are.

*Please note that in this post, I jokingly referred to the ways that I felt about my physical appearance & shyness.  In light of the painful struggles with self-esteem that so many children & young people face today with regard to similar issues, I would like to emphatically state that these are my feelings about MY story. In no way should my words be misconstrued to mean that I think it's okay to tease anyone for their appearance, or for a person to put down their own appearance. In addition, none of the feelings I had shared about my own appearance, reflect my opinions of others who had similar physical characteristics as I did. I wish everyone could accept themselves & others, just as they are.