Forgiveness

My friend Kelly writes a blog. Kelly writes from her heart, & her posts are quite entertaining. Why am I talking about Kelly, you may ask? Because she inspired me. 
Kelly knew I was feeling a bit hurt because it seemed as if 
nobody cared about the things I had to say. 
She reminded me that writing can be cathartic, & that the motive for writing should be because I enjoy doing so. So with that in mind, this post is from my heart. I want to share some thoughts on the topic of forgiveness.

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We've all heard the expression "forgive & forget". The thing is though, some people don't want to forgive, because they think that means that they have to forget. They think that forgiving someone for hurting them, means that they are saying that what the person did was okay, & that they are going to pretend 
nothing ever happened. 

When you forgive, you're not saying that you forget what the other person did to hurt you. You are saying that while that other person may still have to face the consequences of what they did, you are no longer going to hold what they did over their head or be bitter or angry toward them about it. 
You are going to move on.

Does that mean that you have to be all nicey-nice to that person if you feel wary about being around them? Of course not. You can be civil & polite, but you don't have to act as if nothing ever happened. Something did happen, & it may take awhile before you are comfortable being yourself around that person again. 
Or...you may have been hurt so badly by that person, that 
you can't be around them - EVER.

That's okay. 

Forgiveness doesn't mean that things go back to the way they were before. It means you have decided not to harbor resentment toward that person for what they did. 

That's a tough one for me sometimes. 

What do you do when the person in need of forgiveness, doesn't care if you forgive them or not? What do you do if that person justifies what they did, & thinks that 
YOU were the one in the wrong? 

What do you do if that person has not only hurt you & refuses to ask for forgiveness, but continues to maintain that 
they did absolutely nothing wrong? 

It took me awhile, but I finally was able to forgive my ex-husband for hurting me & my kids. It wasn't an easy thing for me to do, because there were a lot of things to forgive. 

He didn't ask for forgiveness, nor did he think he needed it.

To this day, he is still convinced that it is I who wronged him, 
not the other way around. 

BUT....not forgiving him was keeping me preoccupied with anger toward him. It was keeping me trapped in resentment & an insatiable desire to 

try to make him see how MUCH he hurt me. 
Not forgiving him was eating me up inside.

So for me to reach the point where I could accept that he would not apologize nor would he try to make things right with me & my kids, & to accept that I really didn't NEED him to do those things in order for me to be able to move on & be happy, was very freeing for me. 

Once I let go of my need to convince him that he wronged me, & once I realized that he would never do the things I hoped he would do, I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

I was free.
I am only mentioning my ex-husband as an example to make my point. I can honestly say that I have forgiven him.
I am free.

Later on down the road, another weight was thrust upon my shoulders. An extended family member hurt me to the point that I had to cut that person out of my life.

I don't take such actions lightly.
There was a pattern of continued hurtful behavior, which 
not only didn't change,
but which the person justified. 

A couple days ago, another family member, attempting to mediate, spoke with me about the other person's refusal to hear or read anything I have to say, which explains WHY that other person's actions hurt me so much. They were simply not interested in knowing why I felt so hurt by their actions...but did state that they just wanted to agree to disagree, & to move on, 
(as if there was no problem), 
to continue to be around each other at family get-togethers 
& at least agree to be civil to one another.
I forgave that family member a long time ago, but I also established boundaries for that person.
Forgiveness toward that person meant for me, that I would not harbor anger toward them any longer, but 
I also would not be around them either. 
That's because as a consequence of the initial actions that caused me to remove that person from my life, I can never trust that person again, unless they make the effort to earn back my trust.

When someone refuses to apologize or, let's forget the apology - - when a person refuses to at least 
acknowledge that they have wronged someone,
then they are at risk of repeating the hurtful behavior, because they are convinced that they have done nothing wrong. 
If they can't recognize what they did wrong, 
they can easily repeat the hurtful behavior.

So again, forgiveness doesn't mean that I have to be around the person who wronged me, especially if the person can't or won't acknowledge having hurt me. Forgiveness means that I don't have to harbor resentment toward that person.
I can acknowledge the hurt, I can avoid being around the person who hurt me, but I don't have to dwell on the thing that person did. 

Every day we are faced with situations where we need to forgive someone. Okay, maybe not every day, but if one drives in Southern California, then yes, 
we need to practice forgiveness every day! 
Sometimes our kids will hurt us & won't bat an eye about it. They will think it's okay. 
Or maybe a spouse will say or do something very hurtful. 
Maybe a family member or close friend will tell a terrible lie, or will betray our trust.
Or maybe someone just lets us down when we were counting on them. 
Perhaps our cat barfed up a hairball near our shoes, or our dog had an accident on the carpet. 

My personal favorite is the neighbor who not only parks his car in such a way as to block other cars from getting into their garage, but 
he revs his very loud motorcycle up late at night & early in the morning. 
Oh yes, life presents us all with multiple opportunities to practice forgiveness. 
I'm working on learning how to forgive the inconsiderate neighbor. 
Making snide comments about his parking job as I try to park the car in the garage, does not do much to show forgiveness. 
If anything, I am the one in need of forgiveness at that point. 
Clearly, I still need to work on trying to bite my tongue & learn to live in peace with my neighbor. I need to forgive him. 
Aside from the car blocking my path & the motorcycle disturbing my peace, he's actually a nice guy. When I grumble comments with the hope he will overhear me, that makes ME not such a nice person. 

A pastor friend of mine told me recently, that as Christians, we are not only expected to forgive others, but we are commanded by Jesus to forgive. 
You're not a Christian, you say? Well, I am, & if I am going to be true to my beliefs & my relationship with Jesus Christ, 
I must forgive others who wrong me. That's tough to do sometimes, but I am trying. 
As for those who don't believe in God or maybe you do, but you're not a Christian, I want to say this: You may not feel obligated to forgive others as the Bible commands us to do. 
You have the right to exercise your own free will, & make your own choices. 
It isn't my place to tell you what to do. 
BUT.....How is holding on to resentment & hard feelings working for you? 
Is it working out okay? 
Would it not be so much easier to walk through life without that extra burden on your back? 
Non-forgiveness can be a heavy load to carry.
AGAIN... Forgiveness does NOT mean you are saying that what someone did was okay.
It does NOT mean you have to pretend nothing happened. 
Forgiveness does NOT erase the pain & the wrong that someone inflicted upon you. 
It does NOT mean that there are no consequences for the hurtful actions of the ones who wronged you. 
What it does however, is set you free to live your life....to move on. 
It frees you from the need to constantly think of the bad thing that someone did to you. 
It gives you the chance to not devote any more time in your day & in your life, to thinking about what that person did to hurt you. 
It doesn't change the other person. They may never care if you forgive them. 
They may never change. But it changes you. 
It gets that icky stuff that the other person put in your heart, & banishes it far away, 
where it can no longer consume you with hurt. 
I'm going to try really hard to work on being able to forgive those who hurt, annoy or upset me. 
I know that when I do that, I feel more free. Try forgiveness. It can free you too!