What Are We Teaching Our Sons?

I wrote a post recently about what we are teaching our daughters. Of course I don't want to neglect the topic of what we are teaching our sons. Today more than ever, it is crucial that we show our kids how to survive in this increasingly cut-throat world we live in, as well as to grow up to be the kind of men & women that they are meant to be.

I have two children: a son & a daughter. My son was born first, & my daughter was born nine years later. When my son was born, I was filled with anticipation of what he would be like. I used my father as the standard for what I felt a man should be. My Dad was a Marine veteran of World War II. He was a strict, yet loving father, but you didn't want to misbehave & earn "the look". 

My Dad didn't really tell his children how to behave, so much as he modeled it. He got up early each morning & read the paper, before heading off to work during the week, & doing yard work on Saturdays. I remember when I was a young girl, I would wave goodbye to him through the window, as he headed off to work. Poor guy had to keep turning around & waving at me, to avoid hurting my feelings, since I waved at him until I could no longer see him. What a good father to indulge me in that way. 

When my Dad came home from work, my mother would have dinner waiting for him. He had to eat early, due to a reflux problem. After dinner, he would watch the TV news with Walter Cronkite, Dan Rather & others. I remember how it was, that I took an interest in what was going on in the world around me. When my father was watching the news on TV, I knew that I had to be quiet so that he could hear it. I couldn't watch what I wanted to watch, until my father got to watch the news. I would often sit on the couch & watch it with him. I learned a lot by doing that, especially when my father would give an occasional commentary about what we were watching. My Dad taught me to love my country & he gave me my sense of patriotism, during those times when we watched the TV news together.

My father was very strict, & he expected his children to be respectful & well-mannered. He expected us also to behave with integrity & honor. He set that example. We were never afraid of being punished for misbehaving. We were more afraid of knowing we had disappointed him. When you love & respect your father, it's a terrible feeling to know that you have betrayed his trust or let him down somehow. I wanted to act appropriately & be the person of honor & integrity that he modeled for me. I remember how on a few occasions, my older sister got "disowned"(I have 3 older sisters - I am the youngest of 4 daughters & 2 sons). There were certain things that my father wouldn't tolerate, & "disowning" her was just his way of telling her in no uncertain terms that what she did was not okay. Of course, once he got over being upset at her disobedience, she was his daughter again. She actually always was, & we all knew it.

The one thing that I remember the most about my father, was how we knew that we could always count on him. It's so important for kids to know that their parents will always be dependable. My siblings & I always knew we could count on our parents, & when there unpleasant situations that we may have got ourselves into, we always knew we could count on our Dad, no matter what. No. Matter. What. I remember when I was a pre-teen, & my older sister answered an ad in the newspaper for a job a couple hours north of where we lived. She had already graduated from high school, & she saw this job as a great opportunity. It turned out to be a very bad situation, & I remember that my parents loaded my brother & me into the car (my other siblings were grown already), & we headed north, very late at night. There was no discussion in the car about what we were doing or why. My parents had already told me just the bare minimum of what I needed to know, since I was being made to go out in what felt to me like the middle of the night. When we got there, my father got out of the car while my mother stayed in the car with my brother & me. A short time later, my father & sister got in the car, & we rode home in silence. Not another word was spoken, but I knew & will never forget, that my father had saved the day, & saved my sister from a very bad situation. That was just what my father did. You don't mess with a Marine, but even more importantly, you don't mess with a father who loves his kids. You just don't.

I could give so many illustrations of the wonderful example that my father set for his kids, but then this post would be far too long. My Dad did teach his children a few things that have set the example of what it is like to be a man, as well as how a man should conduct himself. I have used my father's example as the model for the traits I look for in a husband. When my first marriage ended in divorce, & I began to date again, the man who was to become my husband, was measured by the standards that my father set by his example. These are the standards & values that I have tried to instill in my son, & in what I consider to be the mark of a man: 

My father, with my son - late 1989 to early 1990

• Be generous & giving when able to do so. My father's generosity made his family feel loved, & that we were special to him. Now sometimes he got carried away, & would actually get mad if we tried to pay for the pizza at family get-togethers, but he set the example for giving, that each of his children have followed to this day.

• Treat a woman/girl like a lady. Always. Show her respect. That's what a man does. My father modeled this respect by walking on the side closest to the street when walking with my mother or any of us girls. He would walk in front of my mother when going downstairs so that he could break her fall if she slipped, & he walked behind her while walking upstairs so that he could catch her if she fell. He did the same on escalators. He pulled my mother's chair out for her before he seated himself at the table, when we were at restaurants.

• Don't lose your temper, & don't be boorish in your behavior. This one is a given. When my father got mad, you could tell he was mad, but he never allowed anger to control him. He was not an ill-tempered man. He was a good & friendly man, with good values. When something bothered him, sure, he would let someone know, but he rarely let his frustration over a situation get the better of him. I remember one time when he corrected my mother over something, & he was a bit condescending in how he spoke to her. She told him "I bet you are sure proud of yourself for talking to me that way". He knew he had blown it. After a few hours of silence, my parents made up, & all was well in the world. My parents never fought/argued in front of us kids...or at least not in front of me (being the youngest of 6 kids, I wasn't around during some of my siblings' childhoods, so I can't say for certain). Also, my father was never drunk or ill-mannered. He never made a fool of himself by his behavior. He conducted himself with basic dignity & respect.

• Be good to your kids. Don't abuse them. Treat them fairly. Model the respect you expect from them. My father was a good example of this. He was strict, & there were times I got a well-deserved spanking on my butt for willful disobedience or disrespect, but it was never given in anger, nor was it abusive (despite what some people will claim about spanking today). Mostly, we kids were grounded. My parents called it "being on restriction" back then. My parents had the same rules, standards & expectations of all 6 of us kids, even though we were different. My brother Randy was retarded however, so they made some exceptions for him, to accommodate his unique needs.

• Be there for your kids. Be dependable. Don't let them down, if you can at all help it. Yep, my father was Mr. Dependable. We all knew we could count on him, no matter what. What a good feeling for a kid to grow up with, knowing we had that sense of security that whatever was going on in our world, our parents would make it okay - especially our Dad. Too many fathers today (mothers too), who don't have custody of their kids, fail to pay child support, or they make no effort to spend time with their kids. **I'm not referring to non-custodial parents who have an agreement with the custodial parent not to pay support or who have special circumstances, & are trying their best to the best they can for their child. I'm referring to those parents who deliberately & willfully go out of their way to avoid paying child support out of selfishness, & an avoidance of responsibility & a disregard for their children.** Don't let your kids down. If you have a son, you need to show him how a man should conduct himself. Let him see you as a good role model for what a father should be. His own children will be the better off for it. (**above notation was added after this post was published, & was edited to reflect the original intent of this post, after a reader brought it to my attention.**)

• Teach your sons & daughters to live by a code of ethics & morality, that makes them good & honorable citizens of this world. Nothing more needs to be added to this. My father prayed before meals. He made sure we were in church. He modeled integrity in how he conducted himself. 

• Teach your sons that it is OKAY to cry, to emote, to feel, & to express those feelings. Your son will be a stronger man for being able to relate to others, & to seek help when necessary.

• Show your sons that a man takes his responsibilities seriously.

• Don't be afraid to show your sons affection. You are not making them less of a man. You are teaching them how to be a man.

• Love protects -- it does not cause harm. Demonstrate this. Model this example to your sons. A man is not abusive or mean. He protects those he loves. He does not set out to hurt them. 

• Don't take life too seriously!! None of us will get out alive!! Be responsible, have integrity, be a man of honor & respect, but also have fun, be silly, be ridiculous, tell corny jokes that your family teases you about, & enjoy life! 

So, while I mentioned a lot of examples of how my father treated my mother & of how he treated his children, I used my father's example because he was a very good man. He was not perfect, & he surely made his mistakes in life. But he admitted his mistakes & owned up to them. He was a true man in every sense of the world. I miss him. But....I see him in the way my brother treats his own family, & in the way my son treats his wife & son. I know that his example lives on in the lives of his grandsons, for they have taken the torch & are carrying it to the next generation. These are the things that I have tried to teach my son, & I know that in my son's own unique style, he will be teaching to his own son. Find the things that matter to you, add some integrity & honor to that mix, & teach those things to your sons. You'll be teaching them to be a man. This is a good thing, as we need more good men in this world today.