ABUSERS, TAKE NOTE - Part 2

Just the other day, I published a post titled "ABUSERS, TAKE NOTE!!" I was inspired to write that post because I have a dear friend who is experiencing emotional & verbal abuse, & her abuser is extremely controlling - so controlling in fact, that he determines things such as when the TV is allowed to be on, what setting the air conditioner MUST be set at, what is bought at the store, etc., & he is the one who sets the tone for the home. I have spent probably hundreds of hours trying to help my friend over the course of the past couple of years, because she has been dealing with this for such a long time. "Why doesn't she just leave?" you say? There are many reasons why a victim of abuse doesn't leave the abusive relationship. There are so many reasons in fact, that I have included just a few of the reasons why an abuse victim may not leave the abusive relationship:

• They don't recognize their experiences as abuse.

• The abuse doesn't happen all the time, so they think it's something they can tolerate.

• They feel they are giving up/quitting.

• They feel embarrassment or shame.

• They don't have the resources to leave.

• They are afraid for their safety if they leave, even though they may be afraid if they stay.

• They are reluctant to start over or begin a new life.

• They don't want to uproot their children or do something their child(ren) may have a hard time adjusting to

There are far more reasons why a person may stay with their abuser, than can  be adequately covered here, but these are the main reasons that pop into my head. How do I consider myself to be an expert on this sort of thing? I was in an abusive relationship myself - for many, many years.   Notice that I am not saying that I am an "abuse victim". That's because while I WAS a victim at one time, I am no longer one. That is a huge distinction for me, & one I think is important. That's because as long as someone sees themself as a victim, then their abuser has the power to keep them in bondage, so to speak. By declaring that I am not an abuse victim, I am not saying I never was one. I am merely saying I am not one any longer. 

I wanted to follow up on my previous post, in order to present some facts that may help someone to see that what they are experiencing may indeed be abuse, & to help an abuser to see that what they may consider to be normal & acceptable behavior, is indeed abusive. Some people who are abusive, don't realize they are behaving in that manner, until it is pointed out to them. I think that the majority of abusers however, know that what they are doing is wrong, & they are unwilling to stop doing that, because they do not want to give up control. They WILL NOT CHANGE - so don't expect them to. They might change briefly, to keep you with them, but once they get what they want, they will revert back to their abusive ways.

There are various types of diagrams & charts to illustrate patterns of abusive behavior. The "National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence" has a wheel diagram, which I found by Googling "circle of abuse wheel". Because I have not sought permission from that website to include their link on this post, I cannot post the link. I can however, tell you where you may find it yourself. I have seen similar charts as on the referenced site, but this particular abuse wheel jumped out at me because not only does it contain many characteristics of the symptoms of the abuse that I have experienced in the past, but it reminds me so much of the abuse my friend experiences on a frequent basis. 

So without further adieu, I am going to list some traits which can be found on various websites, as well as in printed form from organizations that assist victims of abuse. If any of these behaviors have been directed at you, they may or may not indicate a pattern of abuse, but at the very least, they should open your eyes a bit & give you something to think about. If you are someone who recognizes your own behavior in the following statements, I would encourage you to put an end to that type of behavior, & if you have trouble doing so, then please seek the assistance of a counselor to help learn ways to stop abusive patterns of behavior:

• Making or carrying out threats to hurt a person, leave that person, or otherwise make their life miserable or uncomfortable

• Intimidating a person through body language, words, tone of voice, destruction of property etc.

• Playing with a person's emotions through put-downs, name-calling, treating that person in a demeaning, humiliating or embarrassing manner &/or trying to shame or guilt a person

• Using controlling behavior to dictate where a person goes, what they do, who they see etc. Calling or checking up on a person & engaging in jealous behavior when it is unwarranted

• Blaming a person for the abuse they are receiving, making it seem like it is their fault, & minimizing that person's feelings or concerns about the abuse

• Using children as pawns to hurt another person, whether through alienating a child from that child's other parent or others, or using children indirectly to hurt another person

• Using money to control a person, by withholding money, denying access to money, hindering employment or sabotaging efforts to earn money, giving someone an allowance, &/or denying a person decision-making abilities with regard to money

• Calling all the shots, treating a person as if they are beneath the abuser or as if they are "less than"

So in conclusion, I would encourage anyone who has experienced something similar to any of the characteristics of abuse listed above, to please talk to someone who may be able to provide assistance to repair the relationship or to leave it. Everyone deserves to be treated with basic respect. If you are being disrespected, that doesn't automatically mean you are being abused, but it does mean that perhaps you would be happier if you were able to successfully establish healthy boundaries in your relationship. If that is not possible, then finding a trusted counselor to help you evaluate your choices, is also a good idea. If you are the one who sees yourself in the above scenarios as the abuser, then please stop what you are doing, because IT'S WRONG!! Get help. Nobody who is abusing another person, is really TRULY happy. Do this for the sake of the person you are abusing. Do this also for your own sake. You will both be better off if you do.