Reflections On Marriage

People say that marriage takes a lot of work. It's true. Having a lasting & loving marriage does take work...but that work doesn't have to be a drudgery. In fact, if good habits are a part of daily life, then it might not feel like work at all. 

Photo: all-free-download.com

I've been married before. He was my first true love & I thought he would be my last. I think I was in love with the idea of being in love. It was a happy marriage at first, but began to unravel slowly with the passage of time, & ended in divorce after 20 years.

I never intended to marry again, but then I met my husband Matt. Before I dated him, I took a personal inventory & came to the conclusion that although I felt justified in my desire to divorce, I contributed plenty to the destruction of my marriage. 

Marriage really is a 50-50 thing. By that, I don't mean that both individuals are equally at fault if things go wrong. Sometimes one spouse brings a lot more pain to the table than the other one does.  

What I mean rather, is that regardless of who did what, both people are equally responsible to put forth their best effort into making their marriage work. If one person gives 70% effort & the other person gives only 30%, then neither person is doing all they can do for their marriage.   

Photo: all-free-download.com

In my marriage now, I have tried not to repeat the same mistakes I made the first time around. I still fall into old habits now & then, but thankfully, my husband loves me enough to accept me & be patient with me anyway. My marriage isn't perfect. Whose is? Marriage takes work & commitment, & a desire to not give up, whether or not the feelings of being "in love" come or go.

When I married the first time, my former father-in-law married us. I'll never forget his words, which have guided me to this day:

"Each day, you must decide that you want to be married".

Think about that sentence. Really think about it. I thought about this sentence long & hard before I filed for divorce. During the ups & downs in my marriage now, I have been so used to making this daily decision to be married, that I no longer have to. It's as natural as breathing.

Some very simple things I've learned, which I think can benefit others as well, because they stem from common sense, are:

1) Decide to be married on a daily basis.
2) Treat your spouse the way you would want to be treated - don't be selfish. Taking care of oneself is one thing. Being selfish is another.
3) Don't hold a grudge, & don't keep bringing up past hurts.
4) Be patient & considerate.
5) Be kind & understanding.
6) Forgive one another.
7) If you feel you are not being understood, then find a way to BE understood.... but be nice in your attempts.
8) Be a good communicator....snide comments, being rude or passive-aggressive, game-playing, being bossy or controlling, losing your temper, shouting, manipulating, putting the other person down or acting superior to them etc., are all sure ways to hurt your marriage & bring yourself misery & stress. Be kind & thoughtful in your communication.
9) Never give up.
10) Take one day at a time.... Let each day begin with a clean slate.
11) Women: don't nag, & don't scold or correct your husband....Don't emasculate him.
12) Men: Listen to your wife.... Make her feel safe, emotionally & physically.... Show her that her needs & feelings matter.
13) Don't insist on being right. It's okay to allow the other person to be right, even if you feel they are not. You can be right if you insist on being right...if you're okay with being alone.
14) Don't be bossy or controlling. Your spouse is not your child. Remember that.
15) Don't be mean. Your spouse is the one person you should be able to count on to have your back. Don't stab them in theirs.
16) Don't take life so seriously. Laugh a little. Be silly now & then.

Okay, so this is a lengthy list, but if you remember nothing at all from this post, remember this:

Nobody can read minds. People respond better to kind & considerate communication than to nasty, hurtful words or actions. Don't hold grudges & don't withhold apologies when an apology is due. Treat one another with mutual love & respect. Remember that being "in love" is just a feeling of intense attraction. It comes & goes & is not an indicator of lasting love. Deciding that the other person is worth loving & then setting about to love that person......that's what true love is. See? It's really not all that complicated after all!!



 **Have an opinion about this post? I would truly appreciate your feedback in the comment section below, or in the confidential feedback form on this page.**