Reflections of Death

It's weird how one's view of life.....and death, changes through the years. When I was a child, I was afraid of death, imagining it to be some awful, painful experience that one should be terrified of. 

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As I got older, & my relationship with God grew stronger, I no longer feared death, because I saw it not as the end, but as just the beginning of an eternal life in Heaven. I also no longer thought of the way a person died as necessarily being horribly painful, as I saw that death took many forms - some peaceful, & some not. 

When I was pregnant with my son, I nearly died. My suffering was so intense that I prayed to God to make me well, & when that didn't happen, I begged God to let death take me. I continued to get so sick that I did almost die, as my blood pressure dropped so low that they couldn't find my pulse. I had a near-death experience & if I hadn't hesitated to walk the path before me, I would not have lived to tell about it. The moment I hesitated, I woke up to continued suffering, until my health eventually improved.

Years later, I saw a different side of death when as I viewed a sonogram image, I saw the lifeless little body of my embryonic unborn baby within me, with no heartbeat present when there should have been. The death of my baby was hard on me because as a mother, I felt that I had failed to protect my child somehow. I later wrote a poem about that baby, called "Melody's Song", found in the "Poems" section of this blog.

My Mom, Dad and brother Randy

Then one day my father died, & a month later, my parents' dog Shadow died. The following month, so did my brother Randy. Randy had Downs Syndrome, & his death came suddenly after complications from the flu. Six months later, my mother died. That was simply far too much death in a short span of time.

My father's death was expected. My parents' dog Shadow's, my brother's & my mother's deaths were not. But by this time in my life, I knew that they were not really dead. They just no longer occupied their earthly bodies & were someplace else.... someplace peaceful.... someplace where they could enjoy unfathomable joy. 

Me with funky 80's hair, & sweet Shadow

But I miss them still. I didn't cry when they died, not because I didn't care about or miss them, but because I was going through a terrible divorce & custody battle, & I worried that if I allowed myself to cry, I wouldn't be able to remain strong for my kids.

Me saying goodbye to my son
before he returned to Afghanistan
after his mid-deployment leave

A few short years later, my son joined the Army, at a time when the United States was actively at war in Afghanistan. I KNEW that when he joined the Army, there was a 99% certainty he would go to Afghanistan.... most everyone who joined at that time did. Heck, people are STILL being sent there, long after the U.S. had announced that our country would be pulling troops out. 

There is no fear more paralyzing, than the fear that your child will die. My son was sent to Afghanistan, & I endured the fears that so many of my friends were also experiencing, for their children who were serving in a war zone. 

Thankfully my son returned home safely, but not without having paid a huge emotional price for his service to our country. I'm thankful that I never received that dreaded knock on the door, telling me my child had been killed, as so many other parents have. I have friends whose sons were killed in Iraq. Although I can't understand their pain on a literal level, I can empathize with them, because I know what it's like to experience both a mother's love & a fear for one's child who was serving in a war zone.

How about the death of a beloved pet, whom one doesn't think of as a pet, but as a member of the family? As my family has faced the cancer diagnosis of our precious dog Maggie, the prospect of her death one day is deeply upsetting, even though she is successfully being treated for her disease. 

Our precious Maggie

For me, it's harder to deal with the thought of our dog & cat dying one day, because they have such short lifespans compared to humans, & it's difficult to watch them go through health challenges that will eventually lead them to death, when as their family members, it's our job to care for & protect them, & they depend on us to keep them safe. It's hard to know if they understand that we aren't letting them down on purpose, but that this is just the natural cycle of life that we too will face ourselves one day.

As I've watched the news, seen the statistics of suicides, murders, accidental deaths & have seen the suffering from diseases that others face which eventually bring them to the crossroads of life & death, I've found myself faced with three kinds of feelings:

(1) I am heartbroken for our children. The world I grew up in during the 1960's & 1970's was a far different place than it is today. Life had more value. People didn't kill unborn babies by the millions then. Old people were cared for more & not abandoned by their families the way so many are today. 

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The action-packed movies back in the day, had men duking it out & driving fast cars, & any gruesome violence was left up to the imagination of the viewer, not put out there for all to see. Video games in my day consisted of trying to navigate through a maze without being eaten by a cartoon-like little dude head with a big mouth. There was hardly the gratuitous violence that exists in video games today, nor did violent crime seem to be as rampant when I was growing up, as it is today. 

(2) I am heartbroken for those who are hurting. Record numbers of people are either committing suicide, or are committing murder & then suicide. It's astounding how commonplace that type of behavior is today. Kids are killing kids. Parents are killing children. Crazy people are shooting people at random in schools, movie theaters, shopping malls, you name it. 

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When I was a teenager, I didn't really talk to my parents about certain things...kind of like teenagers today. But I lived in a different world, where eating disorders, addictions, self-mutilation/harm, bullying, apathy, cold-heartedness towards the pain of others, & a huge decay in moral values was not as rampant as it is today. As I watch my own daughter navigate her teen years, my heart goes out to all kids growing up in today's world. They have it a lot harder emotionally, than prior generations did, mine included. 

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And then there's our military. One of the biggest reasons I think, that soldiers returning from war are committing suicide at alarming rates, is because they are conditioned to think that they are weak if they don't "buck up & tough it out" when they are struggling emotionally, with or without PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), while simultaneously being told to seek help when they need it. For many of the brave souls who try to avail themselves of this help, they have to jump through so many bureaucratic hoops from the VA (Veterans' Administration) or their own chain of command if they are active duty, that many just give up trying. It's no wonder there are so many homeless vets & those with serious emotional & mental issues, who aren't getting the help they need. 

(3) Death is so matter-of-fact these days, that people often don't think about, I mean REALLY think about, the fact that it is the end...the finale...there is no do-over. And then what? What comes next? As a Christian, I know for a fact that I have no need to fear my death because my sins & failures in life have been forgiven by the sacrifice that Jesus Christ paid on my behalf, when He suffered & died a horrible death on the cross, in payment & punishment for the wrongdoings of all mankind, myself included.

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Because I have accepted His sacrificial payment for my sins, & I have invited Him to live in my heart & because I try to live a life that is pleasing to Him, I know that I have a wonderful eternity awaiting me when I die. But once a person takes that last breath, & their heart beats for that very last time, it is too late for a person to make the decision that they want to accept Christ's gift of Salvation. By their non-decision, they have already decided their fate. They have chosen their eternal destination. The kicker is that so many people refuse to even consider the possibility that the Bible is true, & that God is real, & that if they don't make a decision, then it will be made for them, by virtue of default, not because God doesn't love them, but because He does. He will not force Himself on anyone. He gives us free will to choose for ourselves. 

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Far too many people would rather put their eternal soul in the hands of their 100% certain belief that the Bible is a fairy-tale & God is a mythical being, when not only has science NOT been able to prove those beliefs, but quite the contrary: science has been able to prove the existence of God & the validity of the Bible. If I was going to wager my soul on a sure thing, I would much prefer to wager it on the belief that has something to actually back it up, than on something that has not been proven. 

The Bible has been proven to be true, & is often used as a scientific, archaeological, & historical resource. Science has proven "intelligent design" &  shown that all that exists could not have existed without it, & science has also dis-proven the notion of spontaneous life coming into existence without a force to propel it. Matter cannot create itself from nothing, let alone arrange itself in complex forms by pure accident. That is scientifically impossible. Like Pascal's Wager, I would rather believe in God & in what the Bible says, & if I'm wrong, I have lost nothing. If I am right however, which I believe with all that is in me that I am, then I have gained Heaven. I would prefer to believe that way, than to NOT believe, & be proven wrong, & have lost everything.

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One can only speculate what hell is like, but let's consider what the very word means, both as an extremely unpleasant situation, such as one might use to describe living with an intolerable person as being in "a living hell", & also as a reference to the complete absence of God & eternal torment that the Bible describes, including the presence of the devil himself, & all forms of everything evil, scary & traumatic that a person could imagine, for all eternity. It kind of makes one wonder why anyone would even want to take a chance that at any given moment, they could die & end up there, unless they were 100% certain, without even the slightest chance that they could be wrong, that their non-belief in God, Heaven & Hell was based on truth. But that's me.

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I realize that not everyone believes as I do. I don't force my beliefs on anyone. I just share them with those who care to consider a different point of view.

So where do I stand on the topic of death today?

Well, I am prepared to die when God says it's time, but I still have much I want to do first, namely making sure my children are happy, so that I can die knowing that they will be totally okay. I have goals I want to accomplish, & I want to leave a positive footprint on this earth before I go. I am not afraid to die. I know where I am going, & who waits for me when I get there.

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But while I'm here, I want to do all I can to make a difference in the lives of others. I've seen enough of life now, yet I will never know enough, no matter how old I am. My perspectives on a lot of things have changed through the years, as I have looked at life through different lenses. If I can make a positive impact on someone who has yet to see the things I've seen, I want to do that, if only to spare them some of the unpleasantness that life AND death can bring.

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