Happy Birthday!!!

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Today marks my first birthday, of my new life. Once upon a time, I stopped celebrating my birthday. Some pretty bad stuff happened on this day, & the day before, back in 2004. When these things happened, I decided then & there, that I would never celebrate my birthday again, because I didn't want to be reminded of the things that occurred on that day. I didn't want anyone to even mention to me that it was my birthday.

I'll not talk about the things that happened on that day way back when. All that would accomplish by doing so, would be to remind me of what happened, & to take the victory away that I have finally achieved. Those who know me, know what happened. This post is written as nothing more than a victory post, for my own benefit & encouragement, to remind me that one can move on from painful experiences, & can be happy. If anyone reading this comes to the same conclusion, then hooray!! I'm happy if others may find encouragement from what I say.

Much to the disappointment & frustration of my family, I had been unwilling for years, to ever discuss or celebrate my birthday. My kids & husband used to try to sneak in a birthday gift or greeting just the same. Some of my siblings would send me a "thinking of you" type of card or a simple letter, in lieu of a birthday card. Why just yesterday, a sister gave me a birthday card that she had been holding onto for a few years, waiting to give it to me when she knew I could finally accept it. Another sister gave me a birthday card as well, & I didn't get upset at having received it. This is progress....

Why, you may ask? This is progress because up until about a month ago, I was determined that this day should forever be forgotten. Even so, my dear friend's young adult son, said something that resonated with me, in a way that the words of others could not.

When he found out why I didn't want to acknowledge my birthday, he said something very simple. He said  "if you don't acknowledge or celebrate your birthday, it's like you're letting the past affect your future. It's like you're letting the one who hurt you win." That really hit me. 

My friend's son was right. All these years, I have been paying the price for the hurtful misdeeds of someone else, & I have been withholding the joy I could have had on my birthday, by always associating that day with the terrible things that happened many years ago. It occurred to me that the one who hurt me was not the one doling out the punishment - I WAS. I was punishing myself for something I myself did not do wrong. How was THAT fair?! I should not have to continue to pay the price for the wrongs of someone else. It's not that I even want to celebrate my birthday. I'm not one for a lot of hoopla & attention. That's not my style. BUT.....I had been at the point where if someone even acknowledged my birthday at all, they would be met by my disdain. It would bum me out, & it would take the air out of the tires of the well-intentioned person who only wanted to wish me well.

My friend's son made me realize that I was carrying around that reminder of what happened, like a weight around my neck. Carrying such a burden had been robbing me of my joy. I realized that the person responsible for the chain of events from that day was not even thinking about what they had done, nor did they care that my day had been marred. This person was still going about their life as if nothing ever happened, while I was walking around with a big gray cloud over my head, trying to just get through the day with the hope that nobody would acknowledge that it was my birthday. 

I decided then & there that my son's friend was right - & he was/is wise. So for the first time since 2004, I am actually okay now, with acknowledging my birthday. I don't need anyone to wish me a happy day, or give me any gifts. I have just instead, reached the point where I can simply say "thank you", if a birthday wish is given, & I can be thankful that someone cared enough about me to wish me a happy day. I don't have to shoot someone that look that says "don't you even THINK about wishing me a happy birthday". I can simply say "thank you" & move on. That feeling is liberating! I can finally acknowledge with gratitude, that the good Lord blessed me with yet another day & year of life.

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So I guess what I am trying to say is that we can forgive someone for the wrong they have done to us, even if the consequence of that person's actions still affects us in one way or another. BUT....having painful memories of the hurtful things that someone has done, does not have to keep us bound in that place of hurt, every time something triggers memories of what happened. Such was the case with my birthday. I had always dreaded my birthday since that day in 2004, because I associated it with the worst day of my life. But what I hadn't realized, was that by dreading that day, I was giving victory to the person who hurt me, by allowing that hurt to continue to cause me pain, year after year. That person didn't even know that I was repeatedly re-living the events of that day, & even if they did know, they would not have cared.  So my depriving myself of joy on that day, was not teaching the person who hurt me, a single thing! It was accomplishing absolutely nothing!!

But when we make the conscious choice to not allow something that someone did to us, to alter our attitude or behavior, then we are deciding that we are nobody's victim. We are victorious over our circumstances. We are the ones who get to determine who or what will rob us of our joy. Nobody steals that choice from us. It is ours alone! We just sometimes forget that we often freely give up that choice, by allowing something to eat away at us, when we could simply just forgive, move past the thing that was done, & then keep going on with our life. I'm not saying it's easy. I'm only saying it is liberating!

So that's my birthday message for the day. Has someone hurt you or let you down? Have you felt betrayed/by that person & are dragging that heavy burden of shame around, each time something triggers a painful memory? It's time to stop having your life dictated by the actions of someone else. We can't always control our circumstances, but we alone can control how we handle them, & we alone get to decide how much joy we will have in our life. It's all in the attitude.....