Being Nice or Being a Schmuck

I'm a people watcher. I can't help it. I find human behavior fascinating. I also care about people & feel a lot of compassion toward others. When I see someone hurting, I want to help. Often, strangers approach me & start a conversation because they see a friendly face & assume they can trust me. People consider me to be kind & someone they can count on to help out. This is a good thing, right? I'm not so sure. Here's why:

I wonder sometimes, if being nice really is all that it's cracked up to be. Don't get me wrong. I'm not advocating being unkind. I'm only saying kindness comes at a price sometimes. I'm a Christian. Regardless of one's upbringing or religious beliefs, being nice is how civilized human beings are usually taught to be. Nonetheless, I want to be nice not just because that's who I am, but also because of who I am & want to be in Christ Jesus. 

The Bible talks about turning the other cheek when someone wrongs you. It talks about how if someone asks you to walk one mile, you should walk two. I try to do that, I really do. But nowhere does it say in the Bible that we are supposed to allow people to take advantage of us, to walk all over us & to put up with mistreatment. If someone asks to borrow a cup of milk, we are not expected to give away the cow, nor are we expected to turn over the farm if someone wants eggs with that milk!! 

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I'm a people pleaser. You know the type. We are the people who aim to please & who feel as if we are hurting someone's feelings if we say the word "no". For me & for people like me, feeling guilty is an unavoidable emotion that plagues us if someone takes advantage of our kindness, empathy or desire to help, because sooner or later, we will either be forced to say enough is enough & disappoint that person, or we'll go on torturing ourselves with this self-imposed obligation that we feel we owe to others, even at the risk of what's best for ourselves or for those we love. 

What is it that can turn a normally emotionally strong individual into someone who is so easily manipulated to do things that either go against their wishes or that make them feel used or taken advantage of? One could blame it on shyness, but although I was shy as a child, I'm quite outgoing as an adult. Or how about a lack of self-worth? That wouldn't apply to me either. Although I suffered from that in my younger years, I've become quit confident & have no trouble standing up for myself, my honor, my feelings & wishes. I speak my mind, tactfully of course & I won't hesitate to cut people out of my life who behave in toxic ways toward me. So what is it that makes it so difficult for some people to stop allowing others to put too many expectations upon them & to say no or to be willing to disappoint someone when necessary?

Photo: Cari Kissel

For me, it stems from old habits that are hard to break. I had two wonderful parents, a mother who enjoyed taking care of those she loved & a generous father who always insisted on lending a hand. They didn't complain; they just did what they did without really giving it much thought. I was taught that kindness is a virtue & that it's better to give than to receive. I both witnessed & experienced the joy of giving while my parents were alive. The example of my parents have shaped who I am.  

My personality however, also compels me to feel empathy for others. I can read people's body language fairly well (for the most part) & can tell when something's wrong. It only takes someone opening up about a problem or asking for help before I will take a cup full of my upbringing, throw in a dash of kindness & I have a pot of trouble cooking & getting ready to boil over & make a mess. Most people will accept & appreciate the kind word or helpful gesture & will leave it at that, while others may see such things as their opportunity to take advantage. They will view the kind nature of others as an "Open Bar" or "All You Can Eat Buffet", where the servings are endless & someone else foots the bill. Those footing the bill are often those who have extended the kindness in the first place.  

I don't give in order to receive. The gratification comes from the giving. But I'm not a buffet line either. Sooner or later, I WILL run out of resources to be able to continue to give or to extend a kindness to those who take advantage of the free meal they are receiving & the one preparing it. 

I used to be painfully shy & would allow others to walk all over me. Not anymore... It has taken me many years, but I no longer care what anyone thinks except for those I love & respect. For me, it isn't about feeling that I have to comply with the expectations of others out of concern for what they might think. In fact, I have cut people out of my life, people I still care about, because my self-worth demands that I be treated with basic respect & consideration & I frankly don't want to waste one more minute of my life trying to remove the poison from those toxic relationships that I know will never change. 

Often times, people pleasers are very emotionally strong individuals, but they care so much about the feelings of others, that they put those feelings & wants above their own, for the sake of pleasing those people. There are times when someone will manipulate a person by painting a dire situation that will only get worse if the person doesn't help them. At other times, someone will behave in a passive-aggressive manner, ignoring the person who is trying to be kind, until they get what they want. These manipulative behaviors by others take many forms & those of us who are people pleasers will fall for it almost every time......UNLESS.....

We recognize the following & take steps to change things:

• It's okay to take care of our own needs, feelings, wants & dreams. 
• People pleasers tend to be thoughtful & generous with their time & resources.
• People pleasers don't want to hurt someone's feelings.
• People pleasers tend to put their own needs, wants & feelings aside for others.
• People pleasers often feel guilty when they have to draw boundary lines or say no.

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There's so much more I want to say on this topic, but suffice it to say that nice people have needs too. We have the right to take care of ourselves & those in our inner circle before anyone else. My biggest frustration stems from the fact that some people don't understand that concept or if they do, they simply don't care. They either put unreasonable expectations on others because they are allowed to do so & they will only change when someone puts their foot down & draws some boundaries. I'm not saying that such people are bad individuals. I'm saying they are behaving in selfish ways. They are failing to see & be considerate of the needs & feelings of those they are putting expectations upon.  

So if you are a people pleaser, don't change who you are. Being kind is a good thing. But be mindful of your boundaries & before you hop aboard that Guilty Train, remember that unless you paid the fare for that train ride through wrongdoing on your part, you have no reason to feel guilty for taking care of yourself. Others are allowed to seek what's best for them. Why should you be any different? And if you are the person who takes advantage of  the kindness of others, whether selfishly or merely out of habit, please consider the words of this post & the needs & feelings of those who are continually kind-hearted to you. I can almost guarantee that if you think of their needs & feelings even half as much as they think of yours, they will be more likely to show their kindness to you for years to come. Failure to heed these words however, may end up biting you in the butt when those whose kindness you take for granted end up drawing the line & cutting you off. Food for thought......

Photo: Cari Kissel

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