Forgive & Forget

A lot has happened to me on the way to my life. Put simply, my life has had its shares of ups & downs & hasn't always gone the way I had hoped, dreamed or planned. There have been good & bad changes in my life, most of which have helped bring about reflection & soul searching & eventually peace & healing if it is needed. 

We're faced with some options when someone hurts us:

**Extend forgiveness, forget what's happened & move on (how many people really can do this?)

**Extend forgiveness, but define boundaries in an effort to protect yourself from this type of pain happening again

**Pretend to forgive, but never let the one who hurt you forget what they've done -- make sure to never let them live it down

**DON'T forgive, holding on to resentment & bitterness

**DON'T forgive, always keeping the pain in the back of your mind, but try to move on anyway


I'm sure there are more options, but these are the ones I've noticed the most from people. There have been times I've been wounded to the core from those I never in a million years thought could ever hurt me in that manner. A couple of these instances have taken quite a while to get over & move past. With the passage of time however, I've learned to filter out the situations that are likely to repeat themselves from those merely originating from someone's temporary lapse of judgment. 

There are those who have to be in control, or they have to feel superior to others or to be the center of attention. I can be around those people & even have relationships with them, but I cannot continue doing so if they engage in a pattern of hurtful behavior directed at me. I can forgive such people, but I cannot be around them or have them in my life if they are consistently hurtful. One can forgive while still drawing boundaries to prevent being hurt. 

The Bible tells us to forgive "seventy times seven times". That's a tall order, but if God can forgive me, I can forgive others. But there is a difference between forgiveness & boundaries. Forgiveness keeps us from holding on to resentment or anger over what someone has done, whereas establishing boundaries places hurtful people outside of our "circle" or within a limited circle so that they cannot continue to hurt us, whether or not we choose to forgive them. I have such boundaries with some people. I used to give multiple chances (of extending trust) to those that hurt me. Not so with "serial hurters". They are cut off & out of my life immediately now. If they want back in, they have to earn back my trust. Simple as that. I don't feel at all guilty for establishing that boundary because resentment is not a healthy emotion & I don't want to embrace it. 

So what do we do when someone who has hurt us, doesn't lose any sleep over what they have done? Well....it's healthy for us to forgive them. We don't have to have them in our lives, but holding on to unforgiveness doesn't do us any favors. In fact, bitterness & anger can actually cause health issues if left unchecked. Forgiving someone doesn't mean that what that person did to hurt us was an okay thing to do. It wasn't. Forgiveness just releases our desire to continue resenting that person & it frees us up to receive joy into our lives. 

It doesn't matter if the person we are forgiving wants, accepts or cares about our forgiveness. That's on them, not us. We need to do what is healthy for US. And no, vengeance is never healthy. It might feel good for the short term, but it will catch up to us in the end. 

What do we do if someone we have cast out of our lives (due to boundaries) finally apologizes to us? Do we let them back in? That's something that nobody can decide for us. Forgiveness is a personal choice, but so are boundaries. There are those I have forgiven for deep woundings they inflicted. One person has never apologized & likely never will & in fact continues to blame me for what's wrong in their life as a result of their own hurtful behavior. I've let that person go & I bear no ill will. I've forgiven & moved on. What that person does or does not do is up to them. Have a nice life!

Then there's the person who for whatever reason, is unable to say the words "I'm sorry". This person can show they are sorry, but cannot speak the words. I can give that person limited access to my life until such time as they earn back my trust. It's like a credit card company that will not raise a card holder's credit limit until the person demonstrates consistent, responsible use of the credit card. When I see consistent efforts from someone trying to earn back my trust, then I can broaden the boundaries to give that person greater access to my life.

How about the person who wounds us to the core, not out of intentional malice, but out of an error in judgment? Haven't we all made errors in judgment that have caused someone else pain? I guess it depends on what was done & if the person shows genuine remorse & a desire to make things right. Either way, for me anyway, forgiveness is already a given, & inclusion into my life is also a given, unless the person becomes like the toxic individuals who develop an increasing pattern of hurtful behavior.

What do we do when someone finally apologizes for hurting us but their apology is not for what they have done, but rather for how we perceived what they have done? I'm sure we've all had that happen before. Again for me, forgiveness is a given, but the person has to earn back my trust before they can be in my life again. Part of earning back my trust is taking full ownership of what they actually did, instead of assigning shared responsibility to me. As long as the person fails to truly own what they did, they are likely to repeat the hurtful behavior that caused the boundary lines to be drawn in the first place.

So I guess I just wanted to encourage anyone reading this post to try to find a way to forgive those that hurt you, because NOT forgiving only hurts ourselves, not the person who hurt us. Next, I want to encourage us all to give some thought to what forgiveness actually means to us. If we forgive someone but are keeping score so that we can throw it back into that person's face, then that is not forgiveness. That's holding onto a grudge but pretending all is okay. 

True forgiveness means letting go of our right to be angry & choosing instead to let go of resentment. It's okay to have boundaries. It's healthy even! Boundaries keep others from taking us for granted or from taking advantage of us. They also help protect our hearts from being continually hurt. There's a difference between having boundaries & building walls. Walls that are built are difficult to take down. They keep the good as well as the bad-intentioned people out. I just wanted to write all this as food for thought......Happy dining!!!





 **Have an opinion about this post? I would truly appreciate your feedback in the comment section below, or in the confidential feedback form on this page. Please keep all comments respectful & tasteful**