Where to Draw the Line

How can you tell if something that someone says or does is the last straw, or if it's just something very unpleasant, but tolerable? How do you know when to say "enough is enough!" & draw that line in the sand that says you will not tolerate something any longer? That is a topic that I have thought about a lot in the last ten years of my life, & something I sometimes have a hard time identifying, when certain situations come along.

Part of it has to do with me establishing boundaries with people, so that I am not hurt, mistreated or taken advantage of, but part of it also has to do with my intensely strong sense of justice, & fairness. Sometimes, the two get blurred together & I'm not exactly sure why I have decided to draw that line in the sand.

When a person reaches the point where they feel that "enough is enough", usually they are pushed to a point of no return, & whatever actions they take or words they speak, carry with them a very strong likelihood that someone will in fact get hurt, & a relationship may be broken. Such is the place where I find myself right now. In this past week, I have experienced some pretty strong pain from a few people, & I find myself wondering why it is that I am the bad guy, just because I have been pushed to the point where I've had to draw that proverbial line in the sand.

One of the people I am referring to is someone I haven't had a relationship with for over 2 years. Just when I feel happy that I have come to the point in my life where I can accept that I will never have a relationship with that person again, BAM, there goes the trigger, & the person from whom I removed the permission to hurt me, didn't hurt me again, but they poured salt on the wound they created. I bounced back from that, but it just reminded me that there were others recently, who also viewed me as the bad guy, & it made me wonder why it is that when I stand up for myself against disrespect & mistreatment, that I am the one who is perceived to be in the wrong. I am the one who is told that I shouldn't be claiming that I have been mistreated, when I was the one who brought the hurt upon myself by my own actions.

I'm pretty good at taking responsibility for my actions. I apologize when I have wronged someone, I own up to my stuff, & I seek to make things right. So if I claim to be mistreated by someone, it's because they did something to me that my actions or attitudes, did not warrant or deserve.  I get really annoyed when people display a victim mentality. We all get hurt. We don't need to dwell on the hurt. We can learn from it however, & try to prevent it from happening again. But we don't need to form our identity around who hurt us & why. That's wasted energy & it saps the joy from our lives when we do that. Writing is cathartic for me. It feels good to write. It gives me joy. It also helps me to get stuff out of my brain & onto the table (okay, onto the computer screen), where I can look at it & learn something from it. That's all I am doing right now. 
I am NOBODY'S victim, nor will I ever be!

I'm a fairly easy-going person. I'm what you would call "laid back". Even grumpy people like me because I can see past their grumpy exterior & into their heart. I get along with pretty much everyone, & I have the ability to see the good in people, even if I have to dig deep. It takes A LOT to get me riled up, unless of course someone does anything to hurt my child (grown or not), ANY child, or someone I love or care about. One will also experience my anger if they bad-mouth our military or if they mistreat those who are vulnerable, such as the elderly, the disabled, animals, & those who can't speak for themselves. Aside from these instances however, 
I am very easy-going & have a gentle spirit.

So it baffles me sometimes when I stand up for what's right, or I tell someone that what they are doing is upsetting to me or someone else, & that person or group of people unleash(es) anger & rudeness at me for daring to speak up & say that something is not okay. I accept people for who they are. I don't try to change them. Sometimes I wish that the people I accept could accept me for who I am too. 

There's a difference between letting someone be who they are, & allowing them to do whatever they want, just because they can, when what they are doing hurts others. That was what I was trying to do with someone recently, & when I did that, I got bit.....badly. I mean, the person verbally annihilated me. This isn't the first time, nor the second, or even the third or fourth time this person has spoken to me in this way. I accept the person for who they are. I just refuse to accept being hurt by something someone does, & then when I tell them about it, they treat me like the bad guy, & they convey their feelings in a rude & disrespectful manner. I don't care if a person is 9 years old or 90 - nobody likes to feel disrespected. 

So again, here's my question:

Where do you draw the line between establishing boundaries to protect yourself, and drawing that line in the sand that says you are done - you are not going to accept any further behavior that is just, well, unacceptable? When is it okay to put a stop to whatever it is you are experiencing with others, once & for all, knowing that it could alter or even sever a relationship? When do we reach the point where we have to say:

Photo: courtesy of  all-free-download.com

Here's what I have experienced when I have stood up for myself &/or stood for what's right:

I've experienced  knowing my that my ex-husband tells others that I am a horrible person who wronged him terribly & did not honor my marriage vows. I've experienced having my reputation tarnished as a result.

I've experienced various family members through the years saying whatever the heck they wanted, in whatever rude, disrespectful or demeaning manner they choose to, & when I have objected, I have been either shunned/ignored, or gossiped about behind my back. 

Sometimes, when a person verbally annihilates you not once, not twice, not even three times, but on several occasions, you reach the point where you decide that it may be best to verbally annihilate them back, even though you don't mean the words you are saying, JUST so that you can make the point that words DO hurt, especially when delivered in a way that feels like a verbal punch to the face. It's especially painful to feel that you have to engage in this behavior toward someone you love, whether it be a family member, friend, or someone you are dating, because your personal/religious beliefs go against engaging in that type of behavior.

I don't like engaging in the same unpleasant behavior towards someone that I don't appreciate them directing toward me. I'm not one of those "gotcha!" type of people who has to get even & do unto someone what they did unto me. I don't think nor operate that way. It's not who I am, nor who I ever want to be. So when I DO direct the same behavior toward someone who hurt me, that they first directed at me, it is NOT done in retaliation, or in a desire to hurt, or to say "Oh yeah? Well take THAT!". I do it out of feeling desperate to make my point, because the person clearly doesn't understand my message when I try to be more polite & respectful. Sometimes I feel that the only way I will make the person understand where I'm coming from, is to "speak their language" - to talk to them in a way that they can understand, since they are clearly 
not understanding me when I communicate in my own style.

But here's the thing to consider:

Is it worth the end result, to draw that line in the sand, to say you will not tolerate something, & even to go so far as to engage in the same type of hurtful behavior that someone has directed at you? There's a price to be paid for taking that risk. Is it worth the risk? In the case of the person I haven't had a relationship with in over two years, YES it was worth it. By my drawing the line in the sand & seeing that the hurtful behavior continued when that person stepped over that line, I felt I was left with no other choice but to speak to that person in the manner they had spoken to me. It was unpleasant. It made me very sad. But it was necessary. 

It was kind of like when a doctor sets a broken bone & has to push the bone back into its proper place quickly. It's painful, but necessary for healing. That person did not see my response to their behavior as something to learn from, but rather as further justification to see me as the bad guy.  Their entire focus has been not on what they did, but on how I reacted to what they did. When someone places blame on someone else, & uses that blame 
to justify bad behavior, then the person is unlikely to learn from their mistake & try to change. 
That has been my experience with people anyway. 

For me, although it hurt to know that someone who used to be a special person in my life, no longer is, it was worth the price that was paid. You simply cannot put a price tag on your happiness & emotional well-being. When someone behaves in toxic ways toward you, sometimes you have to experience the pain of setting the bone back in place, in order to heal. You could go about & do nothing, & you'd get over the hurt done to you, but your bone wouldn't heal properly, & you'd always have a problem using it.

As for others for whom I may be wondering if I should have drawn that line in the sand, well, the jury's still out on that. I know that I have altered my relationship with those people, & perhaps even severed it with a couple of them. Was it worth it? Not if the relationships are severed. For those people, it would have been better for me to have my feelings hurt & try not to let it get to me. But for others who have crossed my path & for whom I've drawn that line in the sand? It was worth it, because it helped me to know who really & truly cared about me & who did not. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do, 
even when it hurts.

Can anyone relate? I'd love your feedback either by checking one of the boxes at the bottom of this post, 
leaving a comment on this post, 
or sending me a message via the contact form on the blog page.