On Being the Mother of a Soldier - Part 1

My sister once gave me a journal, on the day we had a going-away get-together for my son Justin (who has given me permission to use his name) shortly before he left for Army Basic Training at Fort Knox, KY in 2010. With great intention, I wanted to write my feelings down in the book each time I felt the pangs of worry or the swell of pride for my son. I found myself paralyzed with the inability to jot my thoughts down, much as I had a desperate need to, & chose instead to internalize my feelings & keep them safely tucked away in my head. I didn't like the thoughts going through my mind.

I saved every letter Justin wrote to me from BCT (Basic Combat Training), & also the letters that his buddy from BCT also wrote to me. I thought about taping those letters to the journal pages, but then decided against it. Much as I have wanted to write in that journal, I have been unable to. You see, when I put my feelings down with pen to paper, it is permanent. I had a hard enough time dealing with my ever-changing feelings, & I wasn't sure if I wanted to turn those feelings into a permanent record.

I first started recording my feelings online, & I discovered that I was not alone in my feelings. I was developing friendships with other mothers of soldiers, & we found we had a lot in common. My son was sent to Baumholder, Germany right after his post-Basic Training leave. Part of me was very excited for him because as a parent, I had never been able to give him many opportunities to travel throughout the United States, let alone travel to Europe. I saw him having Germany as his first duty station as a blessing, because he would have the opportunity to see other nearby countries in Europe, for the cost of gas (or train fare) & some Euros for spending money. On the other hand, I had done my research, as many parents of soldiers had also done, & I knew that Baumholder was a high deployment post. That meant that Justin faced a very high risk of being deployed to Afghanistan. That prospect scared me to death. I had always had a gut feeling since he was a toddler, that he would die a violent death at a young age. 

The day Justin told me he intended to join the Army, this patriotic daughter of a World War II Marine veteran would not support him, because that dreaded feeling of doom returned, & I was sure he would die. I knew how many of our sons & daughters had already died in Afghanistan, & I knew how high the likelihood was, that if Justin joined the Army, he would be sent there. I wasn't having that for MY child, no sirree. One thing I had learned about my son, was that he was very stubborn, just like me, & he was determined. Once I saw his determination, I gave him my full support. What else could I do? He was my son. What parent wouldn't support their child in such a noble endeavor?

I want to talk about the emotions a mother experiences when her child joins the military. I want to do this because there is a lot of apathy in our country concerning our military, & sometimes, people confuse the concept of supporting our troops with supporting & encouraging war, when the two have nothing to do with each other. I was not the wife of a soldier. I was the mother of one. The feelings a spouse experiences are similar, yet very different, from what a parent experiences. I am in no way, minimizing the feelings & struggles a military spouse goes through as their spouse is serving his/her country, for there's a whole other set of feelings & challenges that a military spouse experiences. I am only saying that the experiences are different from those of a parent. A mother has given birth to that child, & has loved & nurtured that child from the day her child was born. It isn't always easy for a mother to look at her grown son (or daughter as the case may be) & know that he has been trained to be a highly competent soldier, yet still see him as a 3-year-old little boy, wearing his "Batman" cape & ears & saying "I'm DAT-MAN!!". 

Justin as "DAT-man"

Justin approx age 5
Thanksgiving

While others saw a grown man with a boyishly handsome face & an attitude of strength & determination, I still saw the little boy who played with Legos & Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures. I realized that my little boy had become a man, & that it was time to let him go...but realizing it & trying to actually learn to let go, were two different things. The year 2010 was a turning point year for my son & for his mother. I can't speak for my son's experiences as a soldier, because I am not him. He has to tell his own story. I can however, share how it felt to be the mother of a soldier, & I'll be sharing more about that in my next post.