Parental Alienation: Turning Kids Against the Non-Custodial Parent

With so many marriages ending in divorce, & so many single-parent homes these days, it's only natural that there may be some negative feelings with regard to the person you are no longer in a relationship with. While there are certainly exceptions to the rule, the majority of broken relationships do not end with warm fuzzy feelings being exchanged between the two people who are ending their relationship. If you find yourself in this type of situation, then undoubtedly, it will be difficult to keep your feelings & emotions to yourself while around your children. A relationship loss, even if it's expected, planned or hoped for, is still a loss, & there is still a grieving process that takes place, as well as an adjustment period.

When there are children involved, they too are grieving the loss of the relationship of their parents. Everyone is adjusting. It's up to both parents however, to keep their personal feelings regarding the other parent, away from their children, because children in such a situation have already had their world turned upside down when the other parent either moved out of the home, or when the child(ren) have moved out of the home with the other parent. It's unfair to add to that sense of loss for your child when you put your child in the position of feeling that he or she must choose which parent to be loyal to. That's a lot of pressure & stress for a child, no matter what that child's age.

Children, especially young children, are going to have questions about what's going to happen next, & why their parents broke up. This is not the time to complain, vent or bad-mouth the other parent. Remember that even in situations where there may have been abuse, the child might still have feelings of love & attachment toward the parent that abused him. When someone bad-mouths a parent, to a child, it feels like it's a reflection on him or her, because kids identify & feel attachment to their parents. Be sensitive to that fact & be discreet with your words. If you have to vent, by all means, find a friend or adult family member to talk to, & make sure you are speaking out of earshot of your children. Children are not therapists, & should not be treated as your counselor. If you need help getting through the breakup of your relationship, then seek counseling. If you can't afford counseling, then contact a local college's psychology department. Often, they will offer counseling at reduced rates. 

You may feel that it's in the child's best interest to know the "true facts" of why their parents are no longer together. Depending upon the age of the child, less is more. Say only what you have to say, in order to help the child understand what is going on & why. Avoid injecting your own personal feelings & emotions as you talk to your child. Stick with the facts. If your ex or soon-to-be ex cheated on you, avoid telling that to your child. It's better to tell a 6 year old that her mommy & daddy had problems getting along & they couldn't fix those problems, but that whether or not they still loved each other, they each would never stop loving the child. For crying out loud, don't tell a child that their mommy or daddy had an affair or was seeing someone else. Doing so will only make the child angry at the other parent for breaking up the family. 

Children have the right to have a healthy relationship with both parents, & while you may feel it's appropriate to tell an older child about the exact reasons for the divorce or breakup, do so in an appropriate way that does not pit that child against the other parent, but that shows the child that the relationship deteriorated to the point where both parents could no longer be together. The breakup is between the parents who broke up, not between the parents & the child.

Let me give some examples of what Family Law lawyers & psychologists refer to as "parental alienation":

EXAMPLES:

• Child visits non-custodial parent, & the custodial parent tells the child to call when she gets there, to let that parent know she is okay. That sends the message to that child that the non-custodial parent is not safe.

• Child acts in a way which upsets one parent. That parent angrily blurts out "you're just like your mother!". Such negative comparisons of the child to his other parent, sends the message that the other parent is despised by the parent making the comparison, & that the child is also being negatively associated with that other parent. That hurts the child.

• Making jokes to your child which portray the other parent in a negative light.

• Putting down the other parent, in front of your child.

I used these examples because they are typical of many real-life situations that happen every day. In my own divorce, I gave my children age-appropriate explanations for what was happening during & after my divorce. My daughter was very young, aged 6, & my son was 15 by the time my divorce was final. It was not an amicable divorce, but just because I didn't want to remain married to their father, didn't mean I didn't want my kids to have a healthy relationship with him. I kept explanations simple with my daughter, & refused to talk negatively about her father. My son was old enough to know just by watching the deterioration of his parents' marriage, why we divorced. When he asked for specific details of why his father & I divorced, I kept it pretty simple. 

My son had talked to an older cousin whose own parents divorced, & his cousin advised him to ask me for specifics, in order to help him understand. I was reluctant to honor his request because I didn't want to come across as bad-mouthing his father, but my son pressed me, telling me that he had already heard his father's version of why we divorced, & he needed to hear my side too, so that he could gain a better understanding of why his world had been turned upside down. I kept all emotion out of it, & told my son just the facts, trying my best to leave out innuendo & negativity. My son was several years older than my daughter, he was the one pleading with me to tell him the facts, & I was careful with how I told him. It's important to know your child, & to talk to them according to their level of maturity & emotional strength. Certainly if your child is having a very difficult time handling the break-up of your relationship, it would be wise to seek the help of a qualified counselor.

When my daughter asked me about what happened & why, I told her that her father & I were just fighting & arguing too much & couldn't make our marriage work any longer, but that we both loved her very much & always would. When she asked me why she was living with me & not her father, I told her it was because both of her parents loved her so much, that we both wanted her to live with us, but that since she could only live with one of us, the judge had to decide who she would live with. I told her that the judge decided that she needed to live with me. As my children got older, their relationship with their father changed, but I was not a part of their decision. I had always encouraged a relationship between my children & their father, until such time as I later had to step in, when the relationship became toxic, & it was hurting my daughter (my son was old enough to decide for himself).

So the bottom line is that "parental alienation" hurts everyone. It doesn't serve the child well at all, even though it may make the parent who is engaging in that behavior feel vindicated or happy. When it comes to our children, we as parents need to remember that when we bring a child into this world, that child's needs must come before our own. This includes our need for vengeance, retribution, retaliation, & any other negative behavior that may make us feel better as we try to cope with the breakup of our relationship with the other parent. While we may think we are justified in hurting the other parent, especially if we feel that some may describe that parent as the "spawn of Satan" we are also hurting our children, who are missing out on a healthy relationship with their other parent. 

In an ideal world, children benefit from the love & influence of both parents. If there is abuse or some other reason why such a relationship isn't possible, it's still vitally important for the emotional well-being of the child, that the "offending" parent is not bashed, bad-mouthed or presented in a bad light to the child. Stick only with the facts, & keep emotion out of it. Do this for your child. Children carry baggage from their early years into their adolescence & beyond. Give them the best possible life you can give them, by equipping them to be emotionally strong & healthy. 

Children are not emotionally healthy when they have been brainwashed & alienated against the parent who loves them & wants a relationship with them. That only gives them a tainted image of how relationships work, & sets them up for problems in their own relationships in later years. Parental alienation can range from subtle, snide comments or mild innuendo, to outright hostility to the point where the child is overtly hostile toward the other parent without having had any justification for being so. So when you are tempted to make a snide remark or suggestive innuendo that paints the other parent in a bad light, don't do it. Just don't.